


Bird's eye view

by bee7



Category: GOT7
Genre: Biphobia, Coming Out, Daddy Kink, Depression, Developing Relationship, Falling In Love, Fluff, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Underage Drinking, jaebum is a soft big baby, rich 2jae, very whiped for yj and very cheesy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-22
Updated: 2017-12-22
Packaged: 2019-02-18 16:23:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 41,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13104000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bee7/pseuds/bee7
Summary: "That's something you have to know, babe, the way your life is right now... it doesn't define or limit your future, you do. The decisions you make define what you will be. You're not stuck, Youngjae, you're also not alone," he says kissing the mole on Youngjae's temple, "your life won't be the same way forever, you always have an option."Or the one where Youngjae feels like a viewer of his own life till he finds a boy that makes he want to play the main role on it.





	Bird's eye view

**Author's Note:**

> past eating disorder and past self-harming are implied, please be mindful of that.

_Darkness - noun: the state or quality of being dark; absence or deficiency of light._  
  
Absence of light, that was exactly the definition of Youngjae's room, sometimes he would feel like darkness was everything he had. It was not just his room though, his entire life was like a black hole, just darkness, and emptiness, something that would suck and destroy everything around it. That's so cliche though, Youngjae hates how dramatic he sounds, but he also hates this feeling, a feeling that he was faking it and actually his life was something bright full of light, it was not though he knew it was not he couldn't help how guilty he would feel, like he was faking it all.  
  
Youngjae wishes he could just silence everything, silence all his thoughts do not think about anything.  
  
His -no longer- therapist used to say that what he had to do was the opposite of what he was doing Youngjae, _you need to face your demons, not hiding anymore, you can't keep yourself under your blanket of denial for the rest of your life. You need to face things to be able to help yourself. I want to help you with that, but you need to try, you need to want it._ She would say like it was easy, blanket of denial... what kind of bullshit was that anyways?  
  
He knows that he's been ignoring all of his problems and all of his feelings for a long time now, but dealing with them? He just couldn't take it, too much anxiety it wasn't worth it, no, Youngjae would rather stay in his dark room and ignore everything and everyone.  
  
He was lying on his bed, he felt so warm for once, he couldn't sleep though his head was killing him, he should get up and take some pills but it was too much work right now.  
  
Some hours later his door was being pulled open, he shuts his eyes tight "Ugh, please close it, the light..." he grunts seeing his mother, "come on, I have a migraine, just close it!" his voice muffled by the pillow he was trying to block the light with.  
  
Ignoring his pleading all together his mother turned the lights on, "What are you even doing at home Choi Youngjae? Why are you skipping class again?" He didn't even bother answering, opting just for covering his face with the blankets too, shutting his eyes tighter. "I'm waiting, Youngae!" her voice getting closer, why can't she just leave him alone? Her voice was so high, it was making his ears hurt too.  
  
He felt the mattress sinking a little, soft hands caring his hair, he sighed "Didn't I just say I have a migraine, mom? Plus I didn't have anything important in class today, just the same stuff, it doesn't matter really."  
  
"Apart from the fact that it does, son," she sounded exasperated, "but I don't have time for that now. Get up, you need to fix yourself up, yeah? I hope you didn't forget, but I bet you did, we're holding a reception tonight, it's about the new phase of the magazine, so there will be photographers, some of your father's colleagues are coming too. I need you to look good, put on some makeup, will you? Those dark circles are horrendous, really sweetheart, you have to see a dermatologist about it. So anyway, I expect you to look like the handsome boy you are, please do it for me, ok? This is an important night for mom." She left without getting any reply.  
  
Youngjae feels like crying, he knows his mom doesn't mean any harm, but he hates it when she mentions anything about his appearance, even if it's just his dark circles, he also hates how she acts like he was just a kid that was always embarrassing her in front of her friends, tonight she wants it to be different he guesses. It's not like she's wrong, anyways, his mother had been a famous Korean model, till she met Youngjae's father in a party in Paris, for some crazy reason that Youngjae can't understand, decided to marry him, have kids and move all the way to the United States.  
  
Now she was the chief editor of one of the most prestigious magazines in the whole country. She still is in the fashion market, all her journalists’ friends, stylists, models and the like, she wanted to show everyone how well everything had turned out for her. Fortunately, she had two kids off to Cornell, a rich husband that would give her the entire world if she asked him to, a huge penthouse in the Upper East Side and the dream job of every journalist.  
  
Unfortunately for her she had another kid, one that doesn't ever leave his room, doesn't have any friends apart from the kids with whom he plays online games, doesn't eat very well, doesn't even speak to people like a normal teenager would, who skips school a lot and who is fucking depressed.  
  
He's guilty, he wants her to be proud of him like she is of his siblings, the prodigy twins, he wants to be shown off like them. But there is nothing to show off, there is nothing to be proud of. He gets up taking his pills, he needs a shower too, he doesn't even remember when was the last time he had a bath, wow what a fuck up Youngjae.  
  
  
  
After his shower Youngjae feels like it isn't that bad, he looks presentable, kinda. His mother was right though he needs to put on some makeup, he looks kinda green. He fixed his face and his hair, he even went as far as combing his hair up it made him look more mature. Looking for something to wear was something he hated, he supposes he should wear something with buttons or was the occasion more casual? It was definitely not casual, but Youngjae was at his own house and since he couldn't be surrounded by his blankets he could at least be comfy, right? Right.  
  
He was wearing light jeans, they were supposed to be skinny jeans but he lost some weight so they were a little baggy, he can play it off was some trendy thing, probably, and a light pink cashmere sweater, the final result was a bit too simple too basic, ugh he can't do it. Really the makeup was okay but now he was tired already he would just be dressed like that, he looked presentable so it would have to do. To finish up the look he put on his black sneakers, they were also comfy, old and comfortable, everything he needs.  
  
When Youngjae finally left his room it was already past eight o'clock, the apartment already full of people, it was overwhelming, he wanted to go back into his room but really he doesn't want to disappoint his mother tonight, at least tonight he would be a good son. His sister was here too, she gave him the brightest smile when she saw him, in less than five seconds he was being squeezed in the tightest hug, "Oh, my baby brother, how handsome, Youngjae!"  
  
He smiled into the hug "Hey, Eunji. Ah! I missed you too, but I need to breathe," he said trying to dislocate himself from her embrace.  
  
"Ah, Youngjae you look so good, mom will be proud," she was looking at him like she meant it, maybe she was getting better at lying now that she was living by herself, was it a maturity thing? Getting better at lying? Maybe so.  
  
"Thanks, Eunji," he didn't believe her, of course, he didn't, but he wasn't about to have an argument about self-love, his sister would always annoy him about the importance of loving yourself, whatever. "Where's Eunyoung? I can't see him," he asked about his brother trying to distract her, it seemed to work.  
  
"Oh, he couldn't come, mom and dad are a little upset, but he had uni work to do, you know how he is, as much as he wanted to be here he couldn't just leave his responsibilities behind. You're the only son here tonight Youngjae, get ready to be showed off the entire night," she said giggling.  
  
He tried to smile at her, but she was right when his brother wasn't around his mother would show him off as if she had something to be proud of, the son she was really proud of though was the responsible kid that couldn't make it to her party because he was too busy studying. The only thing Youngjae was busy with was locking himself up on his room playing video games and not seeing or talking to anyone for four days straight.  
  
After what felt like days talking to a bunch of strangers being introduced to weird people that he would probably never see again, Youngjae finally found himself alone in a corner close to his room. It was like he could breathe for the first time in hours, he did put on a lot of effort for his mother, but it was his father who hanged around him all night, he introduced him to all his pretentious friends, it was ridiculous. But now the boy was alone, he didn't have to pretend to be all smiley without a worry in life, he could be himself again and by that, he meant he could go into his room, strip off these clothes and do something nice for himself, like sleeping for sixteen hours straight.  
  
The universe seemed to have different plans for him though, out of nowhere someone with a deep voice was speaking on his left ear "Wow, I thought I would never get you alone, I've been waiting for two hours now," the hot breath sent shivers through Youngjae's entire body. Youngjae jumped turning around to be faced with a boy just a few inches taller than him, who was smirking at him like he knew something Youngjae didn't, "Sorry, it wasn't my intention to startle you," he sounded anything but sorry.  
  
Youngjae narrows his eyes at the other boy, what was going on here? This person looked like a model, he could be since the event his mom was hosting was for a fashion magazine, he had a bunch of piercings on both ears and even one on his bottom lip, quite distracting if you asked Youngjae. He was dressed in a nice leather jacket, his black hair was combed over and he even had some eye makeup, the most interesting part was the twin moles he had just on top of his left eyelid.  
  
He could easily be a model, yeah, in fact, he looked like he had just walked out of an 80s movie in which he was definitely the bad boy, the one the parents of the protagonist wouldn't approve of, "Huh, excuse me, do I know you?"  
  
"Oh, excuse my bad manners, that was rude of me. I guess I got distracted," he was still smirking and it was confusing the hell out of Youngjae, did he have something in his face? What was so funny? "The name is Im Jaebum, I believe we have never seen each other around. Our mothers used to be childhood friends back in Korea, but they kind of lost contact when you mother moved to America, mom was delighted when they met again last month, she thinks it was fate doing..." he's staring into Youngjae eyes now, "so she invited mom to the reception, and well I came along. I'm really sorry for startling you." He did sound kinda sorry this time around, his voice went a bit lower.  
  
"Huh, that's- that's fine. Pleased to meet you, Jaebum, see you around then." He was trying to leave but Jaebum got into his way.  
  
"Don't I get a name?"  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry," Youngjae can't help the burning he feels rising up on his face, he's blushing hard that's for sure. He has never, ever, been good with social interactions, but not being able to introduce himself? That one is new. "I'm Choi Youngjae."  
  
Jaebum chuckles, "Yeah I know, sorry if I'm making you uncomfortable-"  
  
Youngjae stopped him, "No, no, you are not" but oh boy he was, he was making Youngjae so uncomfortable, even the way he looked at Youngjae made him feel something weird in his stomach, he couldn't pinpoint if it was something good or bad, but it sure was something.  
  
Jaebum seemed to sense the lie but he wasn't going to be rude and call Youngjae out on it "So, what are you up to? Do you have FIFA or something? I'm gonna be honest with you, Youngjae, I'm bored out of my mind, please don't tell your mother, and since we are both here I thought we could do something together, play some video games... I don't know to distract each other."  
  
It's just what Youngjae needs, isn't it? All he wants to do is go to his room and be to be left alone, not having to talk to anyone. Jaebum seems like an okay dude but he isn't in the mood to do more small talk. He can't just brush the other boy off though if he is really the son of one of his mother's longtime friends he should probably be nice and entertain him. Sighing he said "Yeah, I've got some games on my room," he points at the door next to them, "I guess we could play for a while if you want..."  
  
Jaebum gives him a smile that knocks the air out of Youngjae's lungs, makes his legs a little shaky, "I'd love to."  
  
  
  
They get into his room it was dark but Jaebum didn't seem to mind it, the only light coming from the TV, they've been playing for something like forty minutes and contrary to what Youngjae thought they didn't talk much, just the normal banter for when you're playing with a friend, they weren't friends, hell they didn't even know more than each other's names, but the banter was still there nonetheless.  
  
Youngjae doesn't understand why Jaebum wanted to play any games though, he's awful at it, it's ridiculous because he was really struggling but it was his own idea coming to Youngjae's room to play in the first place.  
  
Some time later he hears Jaebum talking, they’re sitting really close together their knees touching and it was so warm, Youngjae feels like he is about to break into a sweat. "Youngjae, I'm tired..."  
  
"Well, yeah, I'd be too, you play as you've never played anything at all in your life, not to be rude, but dude what was the last time you touched a game controller?" Jaebum is looking at him like Youngjae is being funny and not plain rude, he really didn't mean to be rude but he knew he was being a little bit rude since they weren't close to Youngjae to talk like that to him.  
  
"I don't know, when I was ten, maybe? I don't really like video games to be honest,"  
  
Well it was obvious now, but Youngjae is very confused, "So, huh, why did you want to play? Some nostalgic fantasy?"  
  
Jaebum stretched out his legs and supported his body on his hands, they were sitting on the floor, and now they were even close to each other, "A fantasy yeah, kinda, but not nostalgic. I just wanted to be alone with you," he said it like it was a normal thing to say, as if people that don't know each other say stuff like that to one another all the time, well maybe they do but Youngjae isn't aware of that since he doesn't talk to a lot of people he doesn't know.  
  
"W-what?" he couldn't take his eyes off of Jaebum's, the other boy's staring game was really good.  
  
"Youngjae, do you want to fool around with me?" Youngjae choked on nothing, Jaebum looking at him seriously while the boy tries to recompose himself.  
  
"If I want to do what?" he asked so softly, barely able to hear his own voice.  
  
"Listen, I'm very straightforward, I wasn't kidding when I said I waited for hours to get you alone, I've been eyeing you since I got here," he was really saying it so naturally as if he was talking about the weather, meanwhile Youngjae was holding his breath trying not to make any noise. "I asked about the video game thing because I got nervous when I realized you were leaving, and I don't want to make you uncomfortable. But Youngjae, I'm dying here ok, your lips... they are- they are really distracting, and I- I really want to kiss you now. Do you want to kiss me?"  
  
Do you want to kiss me?  
  
Does Youngjae want to kiss Jaebum? He isn't sure, Jaebum is really beautiful, so handsome that Youngjae feels intimidated even looking at him, who wouldn't like to kiss a handsome guy like him? Youngjae has known he likes boys for a long time now, but like everything else in his life he decided to ignore it, what good would that bring? His parents wouldn't like the idea of their younger kid being into men, and why would he ever tell anyone about his inclinations, why would he get through all this trouble when no man would ever look at him that way?  
  
Well, it seemed like Im Jaebum, the most handsome creature Youngjae has ever laid eyes on, was looking at him that way now and he also happened to be a man, so there was that and Youngjae doesn't know how to ignore that.  
  
"I- I don't, I don't know..." Jaebum licked his lips looking at Youngjae's own lips like he was hungry and they were the only thing that could satisfy him.  
  
"What if... what if I kiss you now? We can stop whenever you want, tell me to stop and I will. Can I- can I kiss you, Youngjae?"  
  
Youngjae nodded slowly, he didn't know what he was doing, and he was scared of messing up, he had never kissed anyone, what if he hurts Jaebum? Or what if he was horrible at kissing and the other guy regrets even asking to kiss him in the first place? He was so anxious now, he shouldn't have nodded at all, he tried to distance himself from Jaebum call the whole thing off when he felt the other's boy soft hand touching his face.  
  
"Oh," Youngjae gasps the other boy's face coming closer to his.  
  
"I will make it feel good, yeah?" Jaebum's mouth was so close to his, his breath hitting his lips, Jaebum didn't wait anymore he touched Youngjae's lips with his own, it was a chaste kiss, it just lasted for about two seconds. Youngjae barely felt it. "Is this okay?"  
  
"It's,- it's fine, you can do it again." Jaebum smiled at him, even though the smile was pretty innocent like their kiss his eyes were dark full of lust. He was holding Youngjae's face in both hands, stroking his cheeks with his thumbs.  
  
This time he didn't need to ask or say anything, their lips touched again and again in chaste little kisses, Jaebum kept kissing him just like that. Till the kisses started to last longer, he started to move his lips against Youngjae's, one of his hands sliding down to the nape of Youngjae's neck, soon he felt the tip of Jaebum's tongue touching his lips.  
  
Startled he opened his mouth, suddenly Jaebum's tongue was inside his mouth. It was weird at first, Youngjae didn't know what to do with his own tongue, his mouth was full with tongues and teeth and saliva, the cold feeling of Jaebum's piercing was distracting and he also couldn't breathe just right, it was all too much.  
  
But just then Jaebum's tongue touched his own and oh it was one of the best sensations Youngjae's body had ever experienced. Jaebum's hand on his face was guiding him, and almost like it as instinct, he was kissing back, it felt amazing, he was sure he didn't ever feel something like that before, neither would he ever feel like that again. He was having a religious experience, Jaebum smelled so damn good, his cologne infiltrating Youngjae's nostrils leaving his entire body shaky.  
  
The kiss was hot, everything was so hot and warm, hot, hot, hot and so, so warm.  He was supporting himself by holding tight on Jaebum's broad shoulders, it felt like too much and not enough at the same time, their bodies were in a weird position, his neck starting to hurt but right now he didn't care, he didn't care at all, Jaebum pulled away so he could kiss Youngjae's neck.  
  
The sensation was too much, Youngjae pulling on his hair may be a little too harsh but the way Jaebum was kissing, and licking and goddammit biting on his neck and jawline was driving him insane, making him dizzy. It was like his brain had stopped functioning altogether, he couldn't think about anything else, all he could feel was Jaebum's hand exploring his sides, his body was burning, the other boy's hands on him- they were making him burn, every place he touched him was set in fire.  
  
"Jaebum... give me- give me more... " Jaebum's hands were running down his thighs now, and it made him hyper-aware of how fast things were scaling up but he really couldn't make himself care about it right now, no one has ever touched his body quite like this, or in any other way, it felt so fucking good he didn't want it to ever stop, "Don't stop- kiss me,"  
  
Jaebum was breathless "Tell me-- tell me what you want... anything, Youngjae- just... ah-" then Youngjae was pulling the other boy towards him, bringing their bodies impossibly close together.  
  
"You... just you, yeah? Kiss me, Jaebum" he almost couldn't recognize his own voice, it was so low and raspy, he didn't sound like himself, at any other moment it would freak him out -but the way Jaebum was looking at him right now, like Youngjae was the one driving him crazy here- he didn't care about anything else. They were kissing passionately, their tongues tangling together.  
  
He let his hands fall onto the other boy's hips, encouraging him, "Come here-", before he could even finish what he was saying Jaebum was putting his legs around Youngjae's body, situating himself on Youngjae's lap, straddling him.  
  
"That- is that okay?" looking up Youngjae saw just how good Jaebum looked right now, his lips red and plump from all the kissing they have been doing, his hair a mess from Youngjae's own hands, he was sporting a nice and beautiful flush, his cheeks just so rosy, all because of Youngjae, he did that to Jaebum!  
  
Youngjae traced his lips with his thumb, the other boy letting a little whimper escape from his lips, "Youngjae... please, just..."  
  
He didn't bother giving Jaebum's a reply, leaning up to the younger captured his lips in a heated kiss, Jaebum moaned obscenely between their lips, his hands now holding on Youngjae's shoulders as if they were the only thing keeping him from melting onto Youngjae's body.  
  
Youngjae's hands were on Jaebum's hips, he didn't know why he did that but suddenly he was pushing Jaebum's down onto his lap while he trusted up, it was like electricity, he could feel the shocks running all over his body, they were both moaning loudly now. His hands were exploring all of Jaebum's body, his abs, his waist, his thighs, then he could feel Jaebum's phone vibrating on his pocket.

 

Jaebum broke the kiss, "Let me just let me..." he checked his phone with a pained expression, he was panting all over Youngjae's face and it should be weird, it should be gross, but it was nothing if not the hottest thing to ever happen to him. Their bodies so close together, Jaebum's handsome face just so closer to his that he could see every detail, every mole, how his eyelashes touched his rosy cheeks softly.  
  
"It's my mom- she wants to leave... she's looking for me, we came together... I kinda- I gotta go." Youngjae face fell, they have only started and now Jaebum has to leave? He wouldn't confess or even acknowledge it even for himself but he was a little relieved too, he didn't know what they were doing, he had no experience at all and he was a little scared of how the night would end up like, at the same time he didn't want Jaebum to leave.  
  
"Oh, it's fine if you have to go..." it was not fine and he wasn't very convincing even for his own ears, all he wanted was to beg Jaebum to stay, to never leave, to kiss him all night long until they couldn't take it anymore.  
  
"Yeah," he held his phone down for Youngjae still sitting on his lap as if he belonged there, "hum, put your number in, will you? So we can see each other again."  
  
Youngjae took the phone from him, typing his number quickly, he wasn't a fan of talking on the phone but maybe Jaebum would just text him or maybe he was being nice asking for Youngjae's number but didn't have any intention of contacting him again. Yeah, it was probably that, Youngjae felt his mood dropping, Jaebum probably didn't even need to leave, it was probably just an excuse so he could get rid of him.  
  
He seemed so comfortable on Youngjae's lap though, why would he not feel good here, when they were enjoying themselves just a couple of minutes ago? Breaking him from his thoughts, Jaebum spoke up, "Can I take a picture of you now? Just one and I will leave,"  
  
He was holding a tiny black camera, Youngjae had no idea where did it come from. Usually he would say no and he would even be mad, he didn't like taking pictures, the idea that other people could look at him at any moment without him even knowing about it would make him incredibly uncomfortable, but now for some crazy reason that he would not look into right now he nodded his head yes.  
  
"Okay," he said staring at Jaebum's eyes looking for something there, what he was looking for he wasn't sure.  
  
The room was so dark, Youngjae was sure the photo would turn out with shitty quality, but Jaebum was looking at him as if he was something beautiful, magical, that should be captured on camera, he smiled taking the picture. Soon the camera was back in his jacket pocket, "Okay, I have to go now, I don't want my mom wondering why it took me so long to find her... I will see you soon, okay?" he leaned up, kissing Youngjae goodbye as if it was something they have always done.  
  
When he got up from Youngjae's lap, the boy's body felt so cold, everything was so cold, it was like the room temperature has fallen a hundred degrees. He hears the door opening and a second later being closed, he stares at his TV the colorful lights still lighting up the entire room.  
  
He can't move he just sits there staring at the TV, he has no idea what just happened, just this morning he was laying in his bed crying because of a migraine, feeling like the worst person alive and now less than twelve hours later he is on his room floor after making out with the hottest man alive, confused out of his mind and feeling like something big was happening to him but he couldn't, just couldn't tell what it was. He is also cold, so cold.

  
  
*

  
  
  
Four days after the reception Youngjae is at a fancy restaurant with his parents, they are acting like it's not a special occasion, we just want to spend time with our baby, is that so bad?  It is kinda bad for Youngjae, they aren't fooling him he knows something is up.  
  
He's having Carbonara, it is very high in calories and all but Youngjae has a soft spot for pasta, he would eat it and pretend he didn't care about the extra fat he was gaining. It's not like he needs to lose weight anyway, he knows he doesn't need to and that he's skinny already, but old habits die hard he supposes. He was stuffing his face with the dish, while his mom and his dad exchanged looks beside him.  
  
"So, your principal called your mother today. Son, she is not happy with your attendance, she said there's just too much she can do for you, you can't keep skipping class like that, Youngjae!" his face is unreadable, but Youngjae knows his father is disappointed with him, he's used to that look.  
  
"Come on, dad, you know they're not expelling me for that right? Every day those jerks born with a silver spoon on their mouths get themselves into trouble and nothing happens, they are not expelled because guess what rich kids can do whatever. Why can't I skip class once in a while, mom will take care of it right?"  
  
"Son-" his mom starts but his father is already stopping her, his face impassive but he was getting red, not being able to hide his anger and disappointment for much longer.  
  
"Listen to me Choi Youngjae, we love you. Since you were a little kid we've been understanding of you, all your weirds habits 'oh it's just a kid thing' we thought, but you never grew out of that. We paid for therapies and pills and just about anything we could to help you, but then you got fed up with it all and decided to stop, just like that you stopped seeing your doctors and taking your medicine! Now, to be honest with you, son, I don't care anymore, if you want to seek for help or not this is your decision, you're almost an adult, it's your own choice to make."  
  
"But you will be going to college, I don't care which one, you can choose. I don't even care about the degree you will pick up anymore, this is your decision to make too, I've already accepted that you won't be doing anything I dreamt for you. But my son is going to college, and he's going to have a degree, so you will attend class and you will graduate like every normal kid would and you will make something with your life." He switched to Korean halfway through his rant.  
  
Youngjae's mother looked perplexed with the words coming out of her husband mouth, she was always harsh to her kids but there were lines she drew a long time and she wasn't going to cross them. She wouldn't accept to have her husband humiliating her son, much less in public. "Seok, please lower your voice! There's absolutely no need for you to talk to our son like that! It's hard for him sometimes going to school... but he's a smart kid, he will go to college."  
  
"This is not how we planned things to go, son," she said looking at Youngjae now, she had a sad look on her face, it was so hopeless, she didn't know the right thing to do here either, " I and dad will talk about this later at home."  
  
Youngjae can't even look at them, he's so embarrassed, so mad that his father would throw how much of a fuck up he was since he was a kid and how he had yet to make his family proud. It made his eyes burn, the urge to cry closing up his throat, he wants to walk to the bathroom so he can throw up, empty himself, he feels disgusting. "I don't feel like having dessert, can we leave now?"  
  
"Oh, so will you not be part of the discussion about your own future? Won't even defend yourself?" his father still looks angry, nothing changed in his face but yet he's looking like he's giving up too.  
  
"I'm going to attend a class like a normal kid should, isn't that enough for you?" he's talking back to his father, he knows it will make the man even angrier, it was not his intention, he really feels guilty for all the trouble he keeps on causing them. Guilt the only thing he was able to feel some days, but he just could help attacking back, he felt cornered like prey, it was stupid.  
  
  
  
  
  
They were all on the car in silence while they were driven back home, no one has said a word and it was killing Youngjae, once again he knew everyone here was uncomfortable because of him because he couldn't just be normal and go to fucking class. He felt the vibration of his phone in his pocket, it must be Kunpimook, the Thai boy was his only friend, and the only person that would ever text him on any occasion really.  
  
For his surprise, it was not Kunpimook, definitely not Kunpimook.  
  
  
  
_-unknown number-_ _  
__  
__yah youngjae - 9:58 PM_ _  
__  
__i was waiting for u to text me first :/ then i realized   i never gave u my number :/ - 10:01 PM_ _  
__  
__it's jaebum btw - 10:01 PM_  
  
  
  
Huh, Jaebum.  
  
He didn't talk to Jaebum at all these past four days, he didn't have the other boy's number and since Jaebum didn't text him he tried to shove all thoughts of the other boy to the back of his mind. He didn't want to think about the reason Jaebum could have to not text him as soon as he left his home, mostly he didn't want to think about how disappointed he was by the fact that Jaebum didn't text him at all and how much he wanted him to.  
  
Now that Jaebum has finally, finally, texted him he didn't know how to feel. He was having a bad day, he didn't feel a thing apart from guilt today, it was awful it was like drowning on nothing, he could breathe yeah but every breath he took burned his lungs, all he wanted was to sleep and keep sleeping for as long as he could. Jaebum texting him when he was not in the mood to talk or to interact with anyone really sucked, he didn't want to leave him on read though.  
  
  
  
_\- me -_ _  
__  
__i wouldnt text u first anyways - 10:24 PM_

 

_*_

 

To Youngjae's surprise, Jaebum hasn't stopped sending him texts, even though Youngjae's replies were always sent hours later and seemed rather coldly he would still text Youngjae randomly through the day, it was funny seeing him try, he was trying hard. It was not Youngjae intention to be rude to the other boy in any way, on the contrary he wished he could talk to him more but he felt so tired, he sometimes wanted to tell Jaebum to leave him alone, he wasn't good company, he felt empty, why would anyone want to befriend a void?  
  
Since the restaurant incident he hasn't seen his father around, he worked a lot so it wasn't a new occurrence to them, he actually had gone two weeks without seen his father once and the man wasn't even on a trip, just busy with his work. Yeah, it wasn't anything new but still Youngjae feels weird, it seemed like his father was avoiding him, he feels guilty about it, of course, he does.  
  
Youngjae doesn't have a problem going to class, going is definitely not the problem, he's in his last year, he enjoys studying just fine that was never the problem, is not that he is lazy, he is not. The problem is how school makes him feel, is how leaving his bed makes him feel.  
  
As soon as he gets on the school building he feels drained as if something or someone is taking all the will away from his body, having to socialize and to act like he doesn't feel like the worst person alive is hard, it's draining. But he can do it, he guesses, not skip as much as he would like, he can do it.  
  
But thinking about the things his father said, how he acted as if Youngjae was just being a spoiled kid slacking off as if he was just being lazy. It hurt. It hurt so bad, his entire life he has always known that he wasn't like his siblings, he wasn't the smartest kid in school, neither was he good at sports, he was ordinary and he thought that that wasn't that big of a deal.  
  
Till he wasn't ordinary anymore, till he was the weird kids with the old habits he father talked about, he knew he wasn't making his parents happy, he knew it, but he didn't imagine that it would get to a point in which his father would tell him that he didn't care that he just wanted Youngjae to graduate and do whatever with his life, that he just wanted Youngjae to act like an adult, to grow up and let this behavior behind.  
  
That was all Youngjae wanted to. If only it was that easy.  
  
Knocks on his door broke him off his thoughts, "What? I'm not hungry Dorota, I'm gonna eat something later, okay?" Another knock, ugh, Dorota was their housekeeper, she has been working with them since Youngjae could remember, sometimes he felt closer to her than to anyone else, but she could be an annoyance sometimes, read: every time she wanted him to eat something, she wouldn't leave him alone until he eats one of her Polish dishes.  
  
"It's not that, Sir. There's a friend of yours here to see you." There is a what now? He didn't have any plans with Kunpimook, he was sure of that, why would he ever come over unannounced? "Can he come in?"  
  
Youngjae couldn't tell her that No, this 'friend' cannot come in fast enough, the door was being pulled open and a manly figure was entering his room, the room too dark so he couldn't figure out who was it but definitely not skinny fragile Kunpimook. "Hey, I texted you asking if I could come over, you didn't answer and I was rude enough to come anyway," he closes the door behind him.  
  
And okay, Youngjae would recognize that voice anywhere, it was stupid since they've met just once before but his voice was something he wouldn't forget just so easily.  
  
"I'm sorry, I- I was distracted with- nothing really, just distracted," he says observing Jaebum's figure getting closer and closer to his bed. He should get up and greet him probably but he couldn't find the strength to do so, he felt so empty.  
  
"It's ok. It was rude of me to come like that, but I won't apologize for that I'm not really sorry, I really wanted to see you again." Youngjae's grateful for the darkness in his room, glad Jaebum can't see the blush that is taking place all over his face. "Can I?" Youngjae was confused for a second, Jaebum was motioning to his bed then he got it.  
  
"Sure, I guess you can..." Jaebum doesn't have to be told twice, he’s lying down on Youngjae's bed with him, again as if it was something they've been doing for years now.  
  
Their proximity made Youngjae realize something and he couldn't help the giggle that escaped him, "Who are you and what did you do to the Im Jaebum I hanged out with just two weeks ago?"  
  
Jaebum looked like a different person, okay maybe not quite a different person, but he looked so soft, so different from the bad boy look he was sporting on the reception night. His hair was down, he had coconut hair, it was funny his fringe was a bit uneven as if he had cut it himself, he lost the lip piercing and the makeup altogether, he was also dressed in an oversized baby blue hoodie. He looked just so so cute, how could it be more even more attractive for Youngjae? Stupid.  
  
"Har har, very funny ain't you?" But he was smiling softly at Youngjae, where did all this fondness even come from? "This is how I look daily, guess I was just trying to impress a guy, but now that I've already kissed him and got his number I came to the conclusion that he would have to take me as I really am. I can't change myself for a boy, y'know Youngjae?"  
  
"Oh my god," he was trying to look annoyed but the smile breaking into his face was ridiculous and he knew it, "you are so corny, you know that right," Jaebum was smiling at him too, and just why the fuck were the two of them just staring at each other with heart eyes and a dumb smile on their lips? "Also stop being ridiculous you didn't even know me, how was that 80s look something to impress me?"  
  
"Oh, guess my tongue is getting me in trouble, huh?" his face was more serious now but the fondness was still in his eyes, he adjusted Youngjae's fringe putting his hair behind his ear, "Last Christmas... you were in a party with your entire family weren't you? Anyways that was the night the big reunion between our mothers took place. They talked to each other for hours, I was bored but I did catch her talking about her kids, then she pointed at you saying that's my youngest, isn't he handsome?  and I couldn't help but agree with her, you were so handsome no one at that party could compare,"  
  
"I looked at you the entire night, but you seemed like you wanted to be left alone, I didn't want to disturb you so I kept my distance. I wasn't going to come to your mother's reception, but then my mom mentioned how it was being hosted on her friend's house, the one friend who was also from Korea and when I realized it was probably at your house I jumped right into the opportunity. So yeah, that's right I dressed up and all that because of you..."  
  
Jaebum looked nervous after his revelation, Youngjae didn't know what to make out of it, why would Jaebum the most beautiful boy Youngjae has ever seen go to a boring reception just to see him, why would he dress up trying to impress Youngjae? Youngjae was boring and maybe he looked cute at times if he put some effort on it, but he wasn't handsome or smart or funny, he was just plain boring Youngjae.  
  
He didn't want to acknowledge his insecurities neither did he want to confront Jaebum about his motivations to come to his mom's reception, "I like this look better... so I don't think you have to bother trying to look cool for a boy or anything."  
  
Jaebum let out a breath, he looked relieved that Youngjae didn't comment on anything else, "So don't I look cool now, it's that what you're saying?" The hand he had on Youngjae's hair slid down to his arm, his hand was so warm, Youngjae had almost forgotten just how warm Jaebum's touch was. Youngjae's heart was going crazy on his chest, it was beating so fast and all Jaebum was doing was stroking his arm.  
  
"Youngae, why is your room always so dark?"  
  
His voice so low, Youngjae wasn't expecting that question, the other night he expected Jaebum to ask him to turn on the lights when he didn't Youngjae felt relieved that he wouldn't be called out on it, this time around Jaebum did ask about the darkness, and the worst part was that sounded genuinely curious and there was even a bit of worry in his voice.  
  
"I like it... I guess. Too much brightness hurt my eyes," Jaebum's soft hand was back in his face, he was now caressing his cheek and his temple with the tips of his fingers.  
  
"Do you feel better like that?" he asked, Youngjae just nodded scared of what he would say if he opened his mouth, "Good then... it's just funny, I don't even have curtains in my room," he was laughing softly, "guess you gonna have to wear sunglasses when you come over." All the seriousness of his voice was lost, he was obviously trying to light up the mood.  
  
"When I come over? What makes you think I will be coming over at all?" it was usual for Youngjae to be cold to others so they wouldn't get too close, but when he tried to do it to Jaebum it never played out as he intended, his voice was too soft to be cold, the look in his eyes too inviting to come off as anything but receptive.  
  
Jaebum was smiling big at him, he got impossibly close, one of his legs finding its way between Youngjae's ones, "Why wouldn't you? My house is warm and bright, it's so cozy, my mom is always cooking Korean food, and its main attraction: I'm there, most of the time, at least."  
  
His breath was warm and it smelled good, like strawberries, it was making Youngjae dizzy, he was glad they were laying down because he could feel his legs shaking and if they were standing up he was quite sure they wouldn't be able to support him.  
  
"I might be coming over then, for the food, obviously," he was smiling too, gosh they were pathetic, both of them pathetic, "Jaebum, why did you come over today?"  
  
The older one seemed very confused, "Didn't I just say I wanted to see you again? God, all the cheesy things I've told you today... aren't they enough so you can understand why I am here today?"  
  
"Ok, no needs to be dramatic, I just..." Youngjae was incredibly antsy now, everything was going fine between them right now, and he felt good for the first time in a long time, probably two weeks since the last time he last saw Jaebum, but he didn't know how to go from here, would they make out again? What would it make of them? Friends with benefits when they weren't even friends?  
  
While Jaebum caressed him, and they were so warm under the blankets, Youngjae didn't know what to do with himself, with his arms, with his legs that had one of Jaebum's between them, it was so distracting. It was starting to get uncomfortably hot.  
  
As if he was sensing Youngjae's distress Jaebum spoke up, "Don't overthink it, yeah? Just turn around, Youngjae, be my little spoon, yeah?" he turned around with no reluctance, he felt Jaebum plastering himself in his back, it felt good, way too good.  
  
He felt his eyes trying to close after some time of cuddling, he didn't want to sleep on Jaebum though, he felt Jaebum's lips on the back of his neck, whispering against it "let's sleep for a bit yeah, I'm quite tired, your bed is way more comfy than mine... let's just sleep for a bit, Youngjae, don't worry I will be here when you wake up."  
  
  
  
Youngjae wakes up to Jaebum's soft voice telling him he has to leave, checking the time he realizes that they have napped for more than two hours and it was funny because Youngjae was always taking naps but he never felt well rested, right now though he felt as rested as a baby as if he had had a full night of sleep as if everything in his body worked just the way they were supposed to.  
  
They were walking out of his room, Youngjae trying to get rid of the sleep in his eyes when Jaebum turned abruptly, "Let me..." then the tiny black camera was back and he was taking another bad picture of Youngjae. He seemed very satisfied with it, he had a cute look on his face, his hair was a mess and his eyes were swollen from all the sleep they got, it shouldn't be cute but it was.  
  
"Hey, don't- what's that for? I don't even have makeup on this time, and you're a mess I must be one too, delete it!" Youngjae wasn't mad, but he wasn't happy with Jaebum taking pictures of him when he was unprepared either.  
  
"I can't delete it, Youngjae. And those pictures are for me to look at, okay? It's no big deal I just like having something to look at so I can think of things I don't want to forget," again him with the cheesy stuff. Youngjae decided to ignore it, he can have his pictures if he wants to.  
  
They were almost at the elevator when his parents spotted them. It made him anxious just for two seconds then he remembered his mom already knew Jaebum and he father probably wouldn't care much about it, it's not a big deal that Jaebum is meeting his parents, it's not. "Hey guys, Jaebum here was just leaving, I'm sure you all have already met, right?"  
  
"Oh, Seok this is Im Jaebum he is the Im's kid, I didn't know you two know each other," Youngjae couldn't even think of something to say back before Jaebum was fucking bowing and greeting them in Korean, he explained to them that they've met at the reception, one that he was very glad to attend thank you very much and that just now they were hanging out again because oh Youngjae is so funny I love spending time with your son, I think we're a perfect fit we're going to be great friends, I’m sure of it.  
  
Youngjae's Korean wasn't that good but he's sure Jaebum was being very polite, he declined dinner invitation but said he would come back another time so they could chat more. His parents were delighted by Jaebum's charms, he then turned to Youngjae and it seemed like he wanted to reach out and touch him but thought better of that, Youngjae was thankful, he wasn't proud of that but he didn't want to be touched by another guy in any way in front of his parents, not at the moment at least, maybe never.  
  
"I will text you, Youngjae, so you can come oversee all those special attractions I told you about, yeah," then he fucked winked at Youngjae, he winked.  
  
Dorota walked Jaebum to the elevator, and even before the doors could completely close Youngjae's mother was squealing in happiness "Oh my goodness, I cannot believe you and Jiyu's son friends! See Seok, our baby making friends, he's trying hard, aren't you son? Oh, we should invite the Im's for a traditional dinner, I could cook for them, oh so long since I last cooked Korean food, it might be tricky... My baby, I'm so happy, life is crazy isn't, if I and Jiyu had stayed in Korea you two probably would be friends too, now we're both here in the USA and you managed to find each other as well! This is fate doing, Youngjae!"  
  
It was not fate doing, it was just a coincidence, the Christmas party that both their families went to just a coincidence, not fate, it was not fate, Youngjae didn't even believe fate. He was distracted so he didn't catch his father stare through the entire exchange, "Why do you two look like you've been sleeping?"  
  
"What? We what? We do not, we were playing and you know my room is always dark so probably- I don't know it was cozy? We weren't sleeping, we were playing video games!" He would be lucky, so lucky, if anyone believed him, taking from Jaebum's appearance he could only imagine how he looked, it was obvious that they have been sleeping, but he didn't have an excuse to why he has been sleeping with another boy in his room, so he prayed his father would let it go.  
  
He did let it go, but he had a look in his face that told Youngjae that he was not being fooled, "Let's have dinner together, since your siblings moved out it's always just me and your mom, it's always silent on the dinner table I'm not used to it, let's eat together tonight."  
  
For the first time in a long time Youngjae doesn't feel awful with his father bringing up the fact that he misses his siblings and how things are different now, he doesn't care, he's feeling light, he still can feel Jaebum's warm breath on his neck, he doesn't care about what his father had to say about dinner being uneventful, he just doesn't care. He takes his phone from his pocket texting Jaebum.  
  
  
  
_\- me -_ _  
_ _  
_ _were u trying to impress my parents with all that korean talk? -07:13 PM_ _  
_ _  
_ _ur so lame im jaebum... - 07:14 PM_ _  
_ _  
_ _so lame :/ - 07:14PM_ _  
_ _  
_ _  
_ _  
_ Jaebum must be using his phone because the reply comes in a second. _  
_ _  
_ _  
_ _  
_ _\- jaebummm -_ _  
_ _  
_ _did it work? i used all my vocabulary i worked v hard - 07:14 PM_ _  
_ _  
_ _  
_ _  
_ _\- me -_ _  
_ _  
_ _idk if it worked u see my mom wants to cook for u n ur family already so maybe???????? - 07:15 PM_ _  
_ _  
_ _lame tho - 07:15 PM_ _  
_ _  
_ _  
_ _  
_ _\- jaebummm -_ _  
_ _  
_ _im glad someone in this house is impressed - 07:15 PM_ _  
_ _  
_ _im impressive yj u should take notes - 07:16 PM_ _  
_  
  
  
He was ridiculous, that was what he was, Youngjae was smiling like a school girl staring down at his phone screen, his father looking at him as if he couldn't recognize his own son. Youngjae felt his face warming up, pocketing his phone he told Dorota he was just so hungry he couldn't wait to eat her food. It was a lie, he wasn't hungry and everyone knew that but they all seemed very pleased that he was acting like that, that he was being nice and acting like a functional kid for once.

 

  
*

 

Some days are better, some days are worse, today is an awful day for Youngjae he felt terrible like something on his chest was eating him alive, everything dark inside him he can barely breathe. A million thoughts in his head, none of them clear, the only thing that he can make sense of is the urge to vanish. It's so frustrating, there is not a place that he wants to be right now, the problem is not being at home.  
  
The problem is being. Youngjae doesn't want to be. He doesn't want to exist at all right now. He wants to vanish.  
  
He wishes he could stay in bed all day long, he kinda can today but every second he spends in his room and that he can't fall asleep the depressing feeling gets worse, he feels useless, numb. That's why he's now at their music room trying to be productive, he will pick anything over the feeling of being useless.  
  
His father gave a music room to him when he turned seven, he has always loved music, the only thing that could hold his attention when he was a little kid so when his father gave him a place where he could sing and play a bunch of instruments it meant everything for him. His father also paid for lessons, he was really good playing the piano because of that, the violin though was still a challenge for him.  
  
Youngjae has been locked in the music room for almost five hours now, he is exhausted it doesn't matter because he can't get anything right, the violin sounds like a cat in heat screaming trying to attract other cats, it's ridiculous, he wants to cry, he wants to break the goddamn instrument and never enter this room ever again. When did he become so shitty at this? Can't he do anything right?  
  
There was a soft knock on the door and then Dorota was coming in, "Your father will be pleased to know that you're playing again, it has been so long," she had a dreamy look on her face.  
  
"Ah, don't bother telling him, I'm shitty at it Dorota I can't play it right, I'm like a kid playing it for the first time with no lessons, it's sad," his voice was dripping with self pity, he could hear it but he was feeling pathetic nothing he could do about that.  
  
"Like I said it's been so long, everything in life we have to practice. You can't go years not doing something and expect to keep the same quality, if I had stopped cooking my babcia's recipes when I left Poland I'd never be able to even try recreating them here... I will never cook quite like her, but I'm always practicing, even if I don't have anyone to eat it since my boy is so picky,"  
  
He would never admit but he loved when she called him 'her boy', it made him feel like he belonged to someone and it felt nice, "Okay, I get it I need to practice more, but it's quite awful to do so when I can't play right, it's hurting my ears Dorota," he was pouting he knew she liked it when he acted cutely. "Also, stop fishing for compliments you know I love everything you cook, don't be like that," he said side hugging her.  
  
"You should just pay someone to give you lessons again, it's good having a hobby, doing something with our time, your parents would be pleased... I would too. But I came in to ask if you have any plans, I can take care of it for you, your parents have their own plans if you have something planned I can take care of it before my own date."  
  
Youngjae looked down at her blue tiny eyes, "You have a what?" she slapped his forearm so he would let go of her, "It's Valentine's day, everyone has a date, I found this pretty man on those dating apps my friend told me about, I'm meeting him later, so if you have a date of your own and need me to do something just tell me now,"  
  
"Wow, I'm so- so much information Dorota, first please be careful on your date, since it's a man you don't know... call someone if you need something, you can call me but maybe you will feel more comfortable calling this friend of yours. Secondly, oh my god Dorota since when do I have plans on Valentine's day, you know I don't care about stuff like that, so no I don't need anything you can go on your date and enjoy yourself."  
  
"Oh, well, I just thought," she was walking out the door, "that this year things would be different, since you know there's this handsome boy that keeps texting you and making you giggle every time you look at this phone of yours that you can't live without anymore, that you two had plans... silly me. And Youngjae? It was really sweet of you, I will be careful, don't worry about me."  
  
She left before Youngjae could come in his own defense, he was not giggling at his phone every time Jaebum texted him, this was a ridiculous thing to say, the other boy was just funny and made Youngjae laugh, alright? They've been texting a lot, he couldn't remember the last time they went more than four hours without saying something to each other.  
  
He learned a lot about Jaebum this past week, the boy has just turned nineteen and he was not at uni just yet, he decided to take a year off so he could make a better decision, at least that was he told his parents, he really wanted a year free of responsibilities before committing himself to college. Jaebum also has three cats and he's crazy about them, he sends a lot of pictures of them to Youngjae, Youngjae's phone is full of cats pictures.  
  
They've been talking a lot mostly because Jaebum will text Youngjae whenever something happens to him, just this morning he texted saying that he had choked on his strawberry milk and it came out through his nose, not exactly the image Youngjae wanted to have in his mind first thing in the morning, but it was good, he was glad Jaebum felt comfortable talking to him about anything.  
  
He never had someone that felt comfortable with him, everyone seems to be stepping on eggshells around him, not Kunpimook obviously, that kid is shameless and talks anyone's ears off, but that was it he would talk about anything and everything to anyone, Jaebum though, he acted like Youngjae was someone special that had unlocked a level of trustiness, it was a big deal to Youngjae.    
  
They were becoming closer, yeah, but Dorota was crazy if she thought- talking about the demon, his phone started ringing it read 'jaebummm', they never called each other, it was always just texting. He was never willing to talk on the phone, especially not today, but all the hours trying to play have drained him and he just doesn't care right now, also it's Jaebum, he wants to talk to Jaebum.  
  
"Yeah?" he heard some noise on the other side, he couldn't make out what it was.  
  
"Hey Youngjae, sorry I'm- I ain't home, the streets are a little bit too noisy, anyways I'm calling because... it's a bit late for that but do you have any plans for tonight?"  
  
Youngjae felt his blood run cold in his veins, no, no, Jaebum was not going to- no, "I don't, why?" should have lied, goddamnit.  
  
"Oh, that's sweet, wanna go out? My friends went to a bar last Friday... it's like a pub, they loved it... I know we aren't twenty-one yet, but... I have my ways, what do you say?"  
  
He wanted to believe that the noise made him misunderstand what Jaebum just told him, was he really asking him out to a bar? It was confusing and he didn't know if- "But why?"  
  
"What do you mean why? Okay hold on," he waited some seconds and suddenly all the noise was gone, "Okay, I just got into a coffee shop, now I can hear you better. Youngjae... what's the matter-- what do you mean why? I want to see you, it's okay if you don't want to go to a bar we can do something else."  
  
"No, the bar thing is not the problem, I mean... why today why do you wanna go out today, why not tomorrow?" He wanted to seem nonchalant, maybe Jaebum didn't realize it was Valentine's day either? Maybe he just wanted to hang out…  
  
"Hum, it's nothing special really? We can go tomorrow if you want... I just really would like to check out this place and I'd like to do it with you, it's okay if you don't want to go, just tell me." he sounded so deflated, ugh he made it so hard for Youngjae to say no.  
  
"Oh, it's okay, I was just wondering, but fine I will go with you, just send me the address and I will meet you there," Jaebum was fucking chuckling on the other end of the call, sounding nothing like the kicked puppy from two seconds ago.  
  
"Oh no no no, I'm picking you up at hummm... nine o'clock, it's that good for you?"  
  
"You don't have to pick me up, oh my god just send me the address an-"  
  
Jaebum stopped him mid-sentence, "Of course I'm picking you up, I will be there at nine o'clock, yeah? What kind of Valentine would I be if I let you 'just meet me there'? See you in a few." He made a kissy noise and then he was hanging up, what kind of Valentine? Did Jaebum just trick him into spending Valentine's day with him? Youngjae was going to kill him, he was going to fucking kill Im Jaebum.  
  
  
  
How could someone, anyone really, be so ridiculous? Just some hours ago Youngjae felt like disappearing, he didn't want to exist at all, now here he was freaking out over what outfit to pick because stupid Im Jaebum tricked him into going out with him on stupid Valentine's day.  
  
He was mad but the stupidest part was that he was also excited he wanted to see Jaebum, and he wanted to do whatever was it that the other boy wanted, he felt whole, the emptiness is gone just because of the prospect of seeing Jaebum. He knew it wouldn't last for more than a few hours but it was addicting, he wanted to feel like that for as long as he could. He also wanted to look good for Jaebum, oh god what was he even doing trying to look good for a boy?  
  
He picked an all-black outfit, black skinny jeans, black boots, black shirt, and a black leather jacket, they always said you couldn't go wrong with black, right? He didn't look bad, he would even say he looked good for once, he even put on some eyeliner, was he trying too hard? Would Jaebum laugh at his troubles? He looked at the mirror and his black hair was so long it was like it was completing the look, god someone could think he is cosplaying the Grim Reaper, he can only hope Jaebum's into that, not that he cares but well he does a little bit.  
  
Soon it was nine o'clock and the doorman was calling to inform that a young man, Mr. Im, was down there to pick Youngjae up. Youngjae felt his face burning up, it was Valentine's day, of course, anyone could figure out why Jaebum had come to pick him up, he was so grateful for his parents having plans tonight, he didn't want to think about what exactly they were up to, but the fact that they weren't home and that they wouldn't know about his not-a-date with Jaebum made him relax a bit.  
  
He went down and when he spotted Jaebum it was like all the oxygen left the building making it impossible for him to breathe, Jaebum looked so good it wasn't humanly possible. He had his hair combed up again so Youngjae could see his undercut, his makeup was softer than the first time Youngjae saw him but still, he looked stunning. His outfit was simple, light ripped jeans and a soft looking black hoodie with a black denim jacket over it, he also had specs on. Youngjae didn't know he needed glasses.  
  
He looked so good, so hot walking towards Youngjae, the boy was about to pass out.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Hey, what do you look so good for? Are you trying to impress me Choi Youngjae? You don't need to, you know that right?" he gets closer, his right hand falling to the small of Youngjae's back, Youngjae really cannot breathe, "you even smell good, are you trying to kill me?" he says breathing Youngjae in, then he is pecking Youngjae on the lips, they didn't kiss or made anything remotely sexual the last time they saw each other, sure there was a little bit of flirting on their texts but he wasn't expecting Jaebum to kiss him.  
  
Surprisingly he didn't mind that Jaebum had kissed him in public, he quite liked it, to be honest, he could feel butterflies batting their wings all over his stomach, "Ugh, dude, stop with the corny stuff already, let's just go, yeah? You promised to get me drunk so let's see how it goes."  
  
"I did not promise to get you drunk, you might be seeing too much TV. I said I could get us drinks and I will be doing that, but just that, I don't want your ass getting drunk on me tonight..." he said it as if he meant more, Youngjae can imagine what he meant but he doesn't want to think about that just now. He just wants to have a good night with Jaebum, he doesn't want to think about later.  
  
They get to the bar hand in hand, that was a new development for Youngjae too, he has never held hands with anyone, be it a boy or a girl, walking hand in hand with a boy was probably the bravest thing he has ever done. It was so nice, it was really cold outside, Jaebum's hand was so warm like always, they just got into the bar when Youngjae let him know just that, Jaebum laughed "It's cos I have hot blood running in my veins, babe."  
  
Babe.  
  
Jaebum just called Youngjae babe in public, okay even if it was not in public it was a big deal to the boy, he felt the blush taking over his entire face and neck, why would Jaebum play him like that? He was obviously playing Youngjae, right? And he was acting like it was no big deal, putting his hands on the small of Youngjae's back again directing him towards a booth in the back of the bar.  
  
The place wasn't packed, it was pretty spacious and comfortable, they have just sat down when a waitress came to take their orders, she narrowed her eyes at them "I'm sorry but I have to ask that, are the two of you over twenty-one yet?"  
  
Youngjae could feel sweat forming on his forehead, before anyone could say anything else, Jaebum was looking at the waitress with so much heat in his eyes and smiling his prettiest smile at her, "Of course we are," he said handing her his ID, it was fake obviously it was, "you can check it out," he said with a smirk.  
  
"What about his?" she asked but she didn't seem to be so interested in whether Youngjae was twenty-one or twelve right now.  
  
"I'm afraid he forgot his ID at home," was he pouting at her? He was pouting at her Youngjae couldn't believe it, he didn't mean to but the whole situation was making him incredibly angry, "Anyway, I'm sure it won't be a problem, right? I will be the one doing all the drinking, and he will be more thoughtful not to forget his ID next time." to finish it up Jaebum winked at her, her face turning into a deep shade of red right before their eyes, she looked like a tomato.  
  
She seemed reluctant, and Youngjae wasn't about to be thrown out from the bar. He slides his own fake ID to Jaebum so he could show it to her. Kunpimook made him get it once, he wanted to go to a club so he could show the world what a great dancer he was. It didn't work at all, no one believed Kunpimook was over twenty-one, not with that baby face anyways.  
  
Jaebum was looking at him with a puzzled expression, Youngjae would explain it to him later, or not. "Oh, it seems like he hasn't forgotten it after all," he let her check Youngjae's -fake- ID as well, it wasn't good and Youngjae knows he doesn't look twenty-one either but she was more interested looking at Jaebum then checking if they were saying the truth.  
  
"Oh, okay, everything seems to be fine," she was trying to be professional but she looked very flustered. Jaebum was very handsome and very charming, it was only natural that he would get reactions like that, still, it left a bitter taste on Youngjae's mouth.  
  
"Thank you," Jaebum was giving her that smile again. He then ordered five different types of drinks, he would ask the waitress their colors and how sweet they were all while smiling sweetly at her, it was embarrassing if you asked Youngjae, he also ordered fried chicken and a lot of junk food.  
  
As soon as she left Jaebum sensed Youngjae's mood and he was apologizing, "Sorry about that, I know I promised to get you drinks... and I'm getting them even if you didn't have the fake ID it would have worked... The red drink with the Spanish name I ordered specially for you, by the way."  
  
He looked apologetic, he really thought Youngjae was mad over dumb IDs, Youngjae couldn't help the ugly feeling in the pit of his stomach, "Yeah whatever. I just don't think- you shouldn't be flirting with girls right in front of me, it's quite rude."  
  
Jaebum looked as if he was surprised then there was a smug look on his face, Youngjae hated it, "I wasn't flirting with her, come on I wouldn't do that... all I did was smile... were you jealous, babe?" Again with the pet name, Youngjae couldn't force himself to be angry at him anymore, the soft look Jaebum was sending him was making all the anger scape away from his body, he was good at playing Youngjae too it seemed, just like with the waitress.  
  
"I'm not jealous, don't flatter yourself also quit calling me babe it ain't cute."  
  
"Sure, whatever you say," a few minutes later the waitress was back with their orders, she placed all the drinks in front of Jaebum who smiled at her but it seemed more friendly than flirty this time and Youngjae was happy with that.  
  
They were stuffing their faces with all the food, Jaebum was attacking the poor fried chicken, Youngjae was surprised with himself his stomach wanted to down everything on the table, he never ate so many mozzarella sticks in one go. He liked how the food made him warm instead of disgusted with himself.  
  
The red drink was awful Youngjae almost cried trying to drink it while Jaebum did cry from laughter watching him, some of the drinks were easier to down than others, Youngjae found that he really likes cocktails made with wine better than the ones made with vodka that Jaebum was ordering. He was so happy, so satisfied, he doesn't remember ever being this content and they weren't even doing much apart from drinking, eating and talking about dumb stuff.  
  
He was so happy, so light, he could fly if he wanted to.  
  
Jaebum was taking pictures of their food, their drinks, the bar, he even took a picture of the waitress, needless to say, it made her blush hard, he took a lot of photos, Youngjae's sure no one has ever taken so many pictures of him not even his mom when he was a baby. He couldn't help smiling at him like the idiot that he was, "You look so good right now you have no idea... your face is so pink from all the alcohol," Jaebum was laughing he was also happy, "let me take another one, pose for me, babe..."  
  
Youngjae didn't feel like telling him to not call him babe, just this time he could do it if he wanted to.  
  
Not knowing how to pose he propped his elbow on the table resting his chin on his left hand letting his hair fall to his face, he wasn't smiling he was just staring at Jaebum and for the first time he didn't feel self-conscious or shy he was okay with having a picture taken if Jaebum was the one doing it.  
  
"Wow, I-" Jaebum took the picture his gaze never leaving Youngjae’s face, "it's mesmerizing... so beautiful, babe..."  
  
"Come on, stop that Jaebum," He didn't do well with compliments it was not because he was fine posing for the picture that he would sit here and listen to Jaebum saying things like that as if they didn't make him feel like he was anything but beautiful.  
  
"Okay, yeah let's take one together yeah?" they've been sitting facing each other so Jaebum got up to sit beside Youngjae, sitting extremely close to him leaving no space between them.  
  
Jaebum's arm fell onto Youngjae's shoulder, nosing at his neck lazily, "What about the photo?"  
  
"Oh, yeah... the photo," he was smiling, it was like they were in a parallel universe where all they could do was smile at each other. Jaebum took one, two, three, too many photos of them together, saying he wanted to remember how good they looked together.  
  
I want to look at those pictures in two years maybe twenty- and be able to smell your cologne, to feel your soft skin under my fingers, to remember just how shiny your eyes were while they looked at me.  
  
Youngjae was a bit tipsy he supposes, but he was definitely not drunk, Jaebum seemed to be almost drunk though and Youngjae thought it was better if they stopped with all the cocktails at least for the time being. Jaebum didn't seem to mind at all, he was too busy mouthing at Youngjae's neck and jaw, he didn't go back to his previous place in front of Youngjae, opting for staying beside him kissing every little bit of skin he had access to.  
  
He gave Youngjae's neck mole a special harsh bite making Youngjae hiss in pain, "Oh babe, I'm so sorry! Did I hurt you-- I didn't mean to hurt you- fuck. Forgive me, please I didn't mean to..." he was punctuating each word with a kiss on the said bite, the kisses were open-mouthed and it was not helping the situation on Youngjae's pants at all.  
  
"It's fine you don't have to apologize just... be careful with your teeth," his head was light, it was cold but Jaebum's hand on his stomach was making him sweat, his kisses were getting to be a bit too much, and he could feel himself getting hard, god that was embarrassing they were in public.  
  
"Be careful with my teeth... that's hot," his voice was raspy on Youngjae ear and he sounded so smug the fucker.  
  
"Will you two need something else?" the waitress startled Youngjae who didn't see her approaching their booth she seemed a little bit shy seeing their display of affection. Jaebum didn't even react his hand kept stroking Youngjae's stomach while he bites softly on Youngjae's earlobe.  
  
"Ah- no, we don't- thank you, can you... can we get the check, please?" It was the first time Youngjae talked directly to her, Jaebum doing all the talk before, he sounded so breathless, it was so embarrassing.  
  
Jaebum paid for the bill, insisting that he was the one who invited Youngjae so he should pay, it was no big deal for neither of them, but Jaebum wanted to do this so Youngjae let him. He gave a big tip for the waitress thanking her for serving them. Youngjae was so happy. Jaebum was saying on his ear "Do you... you want to go to my place, we can..."  
  
Youngjae said he would do what he wanted tonight, that he wouldn't be scared for the future, that he would live the now and right now all he wanted was to be with Jaebum he didn't want to go back home back to his dark room, he wanted to go with Jaebum anywhere the other boy wanted to. He was nervous but he was most excited to be alone with Jaebum again.  
  
"What about- what about your parents?"  
  
"They're probably already asleep, they don't care..." Youngjae was having this conversation with the top of Jaebum's hair, the boy didn't dislocate himself from Youngjae's neck, nibbling all over it. "Let's get ourselves a cab."  
  
  
  
They got to Jaebum's house half an hour later, the older boy seemed to have sobered up being way more alert now, he lived in a nice condo and it looked very homey, Youngjae couldn't point out what it was, the place was obviously very expensive and luxurious, but it had a look as if real families lived here and not just rich people wanting to show off, it was kinda like those neighborhoods you would see in TV.  
  
"This is nice," Youngjae said after Jaebum paid for the taxi.  
  
"Yeah, I quite like living here, when we left Korea mom wanted a place where she could know all the neighbors name, it's what she said at least, I met my best friend here he lives right beside our house, he's in LA now getting his degree and shit," he unlocked the front door, everything was dark and silent, his parents obviously asleep.  
  
They went up the stairs trying not to make too much noise, they got to Jaebum's room. He turned the lights and there was a beautiful Siamese cat lying on his bed, "This is Nora, she's my eldest, right baby girl? But you already know her from the photos I sent you, she's my best model," his voice went all soft talking to her, while the cat-eyed Youngjae as if she knew why he was here and wasn't all that pleased with the situation.  
  
"Now you go sleep on your own bed cos appa needs his bed back so he can get on with some activities on it," he carried her all the way out of the room locking the door so she wouldn't be able to get back in.  
  
"Appa? Really Jaebum? And 'get on with some activities on it?'" he's trying to play it cool but he's getting extremely anxious now, sitting at the end of Jaebum's giant bed, "You're so lame, ugh. Why is your bed so big anyway?"  
  
"I could make a joke out of it but I will spare you, babe. It's because of the cats, they like sleeping here, sometimes I have to sleep in the guest room because they won't let me sleep here at all." He sits with Youngjae putting his warm hands on his thigh, "Hey, are you alright? We don't have to do anything you don't want to, we can just go to sleep, yeah?"   playing a kiss over the mole under Youngjae's eye.  
  
"It's not that, Jaebum... I know we don't have to do anything, I want to-- I want to do a lot of things, but I don't know how to do or how to ask for them, god I'm helpless," he covered his face with his hands he felt so dumb so childish, Jaebum chuckles taking his hands away from his faces interlocking their fingers together bringing them to the older boy’s lap.  
  
"No, none of that you're not helpless, it's okay... what if we do that just like the other night at your house? We just do what we feel like doing, you tell me what you want me to do, what feels good and if you want to stop we will, okay?"  
  
"Yeah, that's good. Will you tell me to stop too if I do something that makes you uncomfortable right?" He wondered, he wasn't experienced and the fear of doing something weird or even creepy was scaring the hell out of him making him even more nervous.  
  
"Of course I will, babe. Of course, I will. I'm going to- I will kiss you now, okay?" Jaebum's mouth on his was just as soft and warm as he remembered it, they haven't kiss like that since the reception night.  
  
Jaebum was sucking Youngjae's lower lips between his own while one of his hands explored Youngjae's stomach under his shirt, his other hand was Youngjae's long black hair just holding on it. Jaebum's lips were demanding, his tongue exploring Youngjae's mouth as his life depended on it.  
  
Youngjae leaning on the bed, lying down on it trying to bring Jaebum's body closer to his. Jaebum went with it, finally lying on top of Youngjae, their bodies touching from head to toe. Youngjae was panting hard, he wanted more of that, more touching, more skin on skin, he needed it.  
  
He tried to take Jaebum's shirt off after a while Jaebum broke their kiss so he could take both their shirts off, he looked glorious shirtless, it was like someone -a really talented god- had painted his body it was so unfair Youngjae was getting painfully hard on his pants and all they've done was some heavy make out it was too soon too fast.  
  
"So hot- so beautiful, you're driving me crazy," Jaebum was back on him in a second kissing him deeply, slipping his tongue back into Youngjae's mouth who was letting him, he was so pliant under Jaebum's touch the boy could do anything to his body right now he was glad to just lie there enjoying his warmness.  
  
Youngjae was pulling on Jaebum's hair, the other boy moaning into his mouth biting hard on his lips, "You look so good, so good for me babe," Jaebum started to nibble all over Youngjae's neck and collarbone, he would bite and lick over every mole he could find there.  
  
"Fuck, touch me Jaebum fucking touch-" Jaebum was paying him no mind he kept kissing and leaving tiny marks all over his torso, sliding down worshiping his entire body with kisses, he manhandled Youngjae so they were lying right at the center of the bed.  
  
"You look so fucked already, we haven't even- I wish I could keep you here looking at me like that... fuck. So fucking beautiful for me, babe." Jaebum was saying hotly on his skin.  
  
Youngjae's entire body was on fire he didn't have time to feel self-conscious or to ask Jaebum to shut the fuck up so he just kissed him quietly, dominating the kiss, claiming Jaebum's mouth the way he wanted to do since the first night in his room.  
  
Jaebum groaned into his mouth rubbing their groins together, "Fuck fuck fuck-" it was so overwhelming, Youngjae was seeing stars under his eyelids. It made his dick throb in his jeans, his brain melted he was sure it was melting inside his head, his eyes were rolling on his skull he couldn't even get them open, "fuck do that again, please do that again" they were both so hard so when Jaebum rolled his crotch onto Youngjae's he could only see white and he thought he could come right then.  
  
"You like that, babe? You like how your cock feels against mine- yeah?" Jaebum's voice was so deep, Youngjae was trying to concentrate on what he was saying but he was so drunk in lust, it was worse than when they've been drinking, he was so far gone he just needed to come.  
  
"Dude I- Jaebum hey I-- I need to come, please make me come," he was scratching softly at Jaebum's sides with his nails.  
  
But Jaebum was ignoring him, he actually cut all the contact between their lower body, opting for sucking on Youngjae's nipples instead, he gave both of them equal attention. Giving little bites every once in a while, Youngjae was whining, his moans needy under Jaebum, he was trying to keep quiet, he didn't want to wake Jaebum's parents with all the noises they were making but he couldn't help it, Jaebum's teeth were scraping over his nipples, blowing cool air over it- he yanked Jaebum's mouth away from it pulling on his hair bringing their faces to close together again.  
  
"You fucker, are you trying to make me come on my pants on my first time? Fuck Jaebum stop playing around-" there were dark eyes looking down at him, they were like black orbits, all Youngjae could see was black, black, black and darkness, but it was a different kind of darkness from the one he was used to, this one that made him feel safe, like he belonged. Then the eyes were closing and there were lips on his again kissing him down passionately.  
  
The kiss was nothing like the first innocent one they exchanged a month ago. It was demanding, and right now Youngjae would give Jaebum just about anything he asked him for.  
  
Jaebum got the buttons of Youngjae's jeans popped open with a hand while he tried to get his own with the other but he was failing. The younger boy laughed out loud, "Come on, just get up and take them off, Jaebum... take them off..." Jaebum was off of him in a second, he took off his pants in quick movement coming back to bed hovering over Youngjae's body and sliding the boy's pants off as well.  
  
"So damn hot- fuck, the things I want to do to you babe, you have no idea..." his hands were massaging Youngjae's thighs, leaving red marks all over them. He used his mouth too, giving them hot open-mouthed kisses. He was going up and up, kissing on Youngjae's soft stomach, his hands and body sliding up till he was supporting himself onto his right arm while the other cupped Youngjae's bulge softly over his boxers.  
  
Youngjae was whining under him, "Jaebum... plea-please..." he could feel tears forming in his eyes, it felt too good he didn't know what to do with himself. His hands were squeezing the sheets, almost tearing them off, he felt like screaming.  
  
"I- anything you want babe," kissing the corner of Youngjae's eyes Jaebum pulled the boy's boxers with this other hand, just enough so he could free Youngjae's cock, he looked down whispering into Youngjae's mouth "So beautiful, so wet so hard for me, just for me, babe,"  
  
Youngjae didn't have it on him to feel embarrassed anymore, his dick was dripping with precum already, he was so hard, the head so red and so wet. He needed Jaebum's hand on him and right now he would do anything for it, he would beg if he needed to, "Fucking touch me," his face was flushed, crying out helplessly, "Jaebum, fuck-- please,"  
  
"Demanding aren't we?" he looked smug and so damn pleased with himself, too cocky for the situation they were in, "just gimme- gimme a second," then Jaebum was off of him again, it was the contrary of what Youngjae wanted right now and he let Jaebum know it between whines.  
  
After not even thirty seconds he was back with a bottle in his hands but his boxers were gone, fuck his dick- it would be so cheesy of Youngjae's brain to think it was a pretty dick- but it sure was a pretty dick. He has never seen a dick in the flesh (other than his own obviously), all the dicks he saw were from porn and he never thought they looked pretty, Jaebum's cock though- it was quite beautiful.  
  
He could feel his dick fucking curving on his stomach, he was so turned on right now, he wanted Jaebum in any way he could get him.  
  
Jaebum chuckled right on his face, "Thanks, you have quite a good one too if I can say so myself," Youngjae slapped Jaebum's chest lightly, he wasn't supposed to say that out loud, before he had time to defend himself he heard the bottle being popped open, strawberry smell feeling his nostrils.  
  
"What-" all the sensations were back at once with Jaebum's cock touching his own with no fabric blocking the contact, "Oh my fucking god-" he was being so loud Jaebum had to kiss him quite, eating up his moans.  
  
Their dicks sliding together, Jaebum grinding down onto him. It was so damn good but not enough to make Youngjae come and he needed to come he needed it now, he tried to reach down and jerk himself off but Jaebum beat him to it, holding both their dicks his hand slick with lube.  
  
His grip tight, wet and so fucking tight, the slide of their dicks together making Youngjae's head roll on the mattress, exposing his neck to Jaebum, the older boy wasting no time biting it. Youngjae was sure his dick would explode, it was pulsing on Jaebum's hand, making a mess all over him.  
  
Their hips were moving on their own accords, Jaebum was able to set a pace with his hand but their bodies were each moving at a different speed, it was messy, tight, wet and hot so fucking hot, "Jaebum, I need to fucking come, make me come goddamn-", one of his hands found Jaebum's ass, he was using it to bringing Jaebum closer to him, squeezing it tight, leaving no space between their crotches.  
  
Pinning Youngjae's hips down with his weight Jaebum speeded up the pace of his hands making his hold even tighter, then he let go of his own cock altogether focusing on Youngjae's only, his rhythm was perfect, there were tears rolling down Youngjae's face "Pl-- please," Jaebum twisted his hands, stroking Youngjae's length fast and hard. Then going slower again, the tips of his fingers brushing over Youngjae's balls. It was too much, he was on edge already, "Jaebum, plea-- faster, I--"  
  
Jaebum's strokes got faster again, his grip twisting from time to time, he was humping on Youngjae's thigh making a mess of it. Youngjae could feel the heat in his lower stomach getting stronger and stronger until he couldn't hold it anymore. "I'm gonna-- Jaebum, I'm gonna come-" he came moaning out Jaebum's name, he spilled all over their stomachs and chests.  
  
He cried harder, his vision going white he felt like his body was way too small for the explosion of sensations he was having right now. Sinking his nails hard into Jaebum's sides it was probably too painful for the other boy but Youngjae's body was about to melt, to fucking combust on his bed. Jaebum stroked him through his orgasm till it got to be too much and he let go.  
  
His body was completely relaxed, it was sore yeah but in the best way possible, he was struggling to get his eyes open again but there was something being brushed softly on his skin so he looked down and saw Jaebum with a wet towel cleaning his stomach, "Oh, sorry," he giggled shyly, "I kind of passed out on you dude-- I felt like my soul left my body for a second,"  
  
Jaebum had heart eyes on his face, what a sap, "That good huh?" Youngjae slapped his arm, "It's okay you can make it up for me next time," he let the towel fall to the floor right beside the bed, lying down half on the bed half on Youngjae. The boy looked down realizing Jaebum was soft between his legs, eyes widening.  
  
"Oh my god I can't believe it, you had to finish it up by yourself? Oh fuck, I'm so sorry, Jaebum, shit" he said softly stroking Jaebum's hair, taking his fringe off from his forehead, it was sticky they were both sticky with sweat.  
  
"I already said it's okay, it was perfect for me, I'm happy yeah? Don't worry about it, babe,"  proceeding to drop kisses on both of Youngjae's cheeks he looked very tired probably ready to fall asleep.  
  
"It sucks that I didn't get to see your face when you... when you... you know," gesticulating with his arms, Youngjae didn't know why he said that but that was something he has thought about a lot lately, Jaebum's face when he reached his highest level of ecstasy, he bets it's something beautiful.  
  
Jaebum was laughing softly looking at Youngjae like he was the cutest person alive, "You're shy of saying 'coming' now? You were demanding me to make you come not even five minutes ago, your cum all over my stomach and now you're blushing over it?" his smirk was so annoying, "I did get to see your 'o face' and I gotta tell you babe, hottest thing these tiny eyes have ever seen," he prepared himself for the slaps that never came.  
  
"Ugh you're so annoying, you know that right? Just shut up," he was utterly embarrassed, yeah, but he was also feeling so damn clingy, he wanted kiss Jaebum's face and to cuddle him up, he wanted to be hugged and to be taken care of, he didn't know though-  
  
"Should I leave?" he didn't know the correct procedure here or what Jaebum expected from him, did he want Youngjae to leave right away? They weren't dating or anything- he wanted to stay yeah but he didn't know what was the right thing to do.  
  
"God no! Why would you leave? You're not going anywhere, just stay the night I'll take you home tomorrow," he was so sleepy that his words were coming out very slow but it was enough for Youngjae, the younger boy was back at smiling like a fool.  
  
Jaebum managed to get both of them under the blankets hugging Youngjae's middle, resting his head over Youngjae's chest he was off in no time. Youngjae could barely move in this position, Jaebum was like an octopus clinging all over Youngjae, it didn't matter, it was quite comfortable and warm like that, Youngjae kissed Jaebum's forehead before dozing off himself.

 

Frowning Youngjae tries to block off the sunlight, where is all this clarity even coming from? He opens his eyes realizing he's not at his room, this room is bright and spacious and it has no curtains, he doesn't have time to freak out though Jaebum's deep voice in his ear in a second, "Good morning, sunshine," he is saying lazily, his heartbeat steady on Youngjae's back. He answers by turning his face and kissing softly on Jaebum's nose tip.  
  
Turning his face again so he can have a better look at the room Youngjae sees that the walls of Jaebum's room are all filled with photos.   
  
He is amazed there are so many pictures, pictures of a lot of animals mostly cats but there are also pictures of wild animals obviously taken on trips, he also sees pictures of the ocean and of the desert, the sky full of big bright stars, flower fields, but the majority of the pictures are showing people, happy people.   
  
Youngjae's able to recognize Jaebum's baby face, he has a lot of pictures with another kid, this kid seems to have grown up with Jaebum since there's a lot of pictures of always the two of them together, there are also a bunch of pictures of Jaebum's mom taken over the years.   
  
"Those are nice," he whispers, trying not to disturb the atmosphere they seem to be in.   
  
"What is?" Jaebum's voice is equally as soft but maybe it's because he isn't quite awake just yet, the sleep still hanging on his voice.   
  
"The photos, they're good and your room being filled with them seems meaningful... did you take all of them?" he's pushing his back against Jaebum's hard chest, it's so warm, he wants more of that.   
  
"Yeah, some are pretty bad because I took them when I was really young, but I don't care I like what they remind me of and not the quality of them," Youngjae hums thinking that it makes sense, Jaebum never seemed bothered with the lighting or the alike when taking pictures, he just wants to save the moments with him forever, it's a bit poetic he thinks.   
  
"They are really nice."   
  
"They will always be here when I move out... I want to start it over, not with old memories, I mean not childhood memories anymore I want new ones, I want my new place to show my new life." He says nosing at Youngjae's hair, "Smells good,"   
  
"Do you want to do that? Move out, I mean," Jaebum is humming behind him.   
  
"Yeah, don't you?" Youngjae is not sure of what he wants, he can't picture his future, all the can imagine is that he will be graduating in a few months then he will be eighteen and that's if he can't see himself doing much else.   
  
"I don't know, I'm scared."Jaebum makes a noise as if telling him to continue, "I just-- I'm not good at anything... my father already told me that I have no option that I have to go to college, I'll go yeah but I don't know where or what I should do. My life right now though, I don't do much, I don't have much. I feel..."   
  
"Yeah? How do you feel, babe?" Jaebum seems to be more alert now giving the younger boy all his attention.   
  
"It's weird, I feel like... as if there is not much for me here, does that make sense? As if I just exist, I wake up to go to school, go to sleep and then repeat it every day. I just watch life... I don't know how I can move on from this, it's like I'm stuck on a loop... I-- it's stupid,"   
  
"It's not stupid, sometimes- I guess, you might feel like nothing ever changes, you know? But it does, maybe not at the pace you wish things would change, it might seem static for a bit, but that's not true... That's something you have to know, babe, the way your life is right now... it doesn't define or limit your future, you do. The decisions you make define what you will be. You're not stuck, Youngjae, you're also not alone," he says kissing the mole on Youngjae's temple, "your life won't be the same way forever, you always have an option,"   
  
They stay in silence for a while until Youngjae speaks again, "My family they don't know- no one knows really I've never said it out loud, not even to myself," he supposes he should say it now though, he feels like he needs to, "I mean, that I'm... gay." He exhales, "Wow, it feels weird," he laughs but it doesn't sound genuine, "I hate myself for that sometimes, no, not just sometimes, all the time really."   
  
He doesn't even know what got into him, he never talks about stuff like that, not even to his old therapists, he was scared they would tell his parents, he knew it was not something they could or should do but still he was so so scared, and now here he is just spilling everything for Jaebum.   
  
"They would hate me for that, my father he would... I'm sorry I don't know why I'm saying these things," he feels the urge to cry but he doesn't, he just feels so vulnerable but at the same time so safe in Jaebum's arms.   
  
"Don't apologize for that, I'm here you can talk to me," Jaebum's voice is so fond.   
  
"Thank you," but Youngjae doesn't feel like acknowledging more of his feelings right now.   
  
"When I came out to my parents," Jaebum's voice is bitter now his body going a little tense, "my dad, he was a total dick, he said since I liked both boys and girls I shouldn't have bothered telling them, he thought I did it just to spite them... he said I should just fool around with boys secretly and then get married to a woman, he even said I could have affairs with men while married if it wasn't too serious,"   
  
"He didn't speak to me for over a year, we talk now but we are not close anymore, my mom... she supports me a lot, they almost got divorced at the time, she was fuming at him," he sighs, "she is such a great mom. My point is that it was shitty, yeah, but I got lucky, some people... they get it way worse. It was good that I wasn't alone though, you won't be either. You are not." Jaebum interlocks their fingers, bringing Youngjae's hand to his lips so he can kiss it.   
  
They stay there for some time, just enjoying each other's company, Youngjae turning around so he can sink his face on Jaebum's chest drowning himself on the boy's body heat. They're silent, he thinks about what Jaebum just told him, he feels sorry for the way Jaebum's father reacted, he doesn't want to think too much about that because he is scared of the way his own family would react.   
  
He thinks about how he doesn't feel so lonely right now, it's not perfect he's scared and guilty and as he will never be enough, he thinks he will always feel like that but at least, for the time being, he feels a little bit safer, a little bit more at peace. It's nice, for once, it's nice.   
  
"We should go downstairs now, I'm starving if we don't go soon I will have to eat you up as a snack," Jaebum says after a while, biting at Youngjae's shoulder playfully, laughing out loud when the slaps he was waiting for comes, smacking him hard.   
  
  
  
They were going down the stairs Jaebum hugging Youngjae from behind trying to lift him up, "Stop it!" Youngjae scolded him, "We're going to fall on our faces and then you will have to pay to fix up my nose,"   
  
Jaebum managed to lift him up, finally, "Ah, such a pretty nose, can't have that," he says laughing squeezing Youngjae's middle.   
  
They got to the kitchen Jaebum's mother was already there, Youngjae almost had a stroke, he didn't expect to see her here, he completely forgot that Jaebum doesn't live here by himself. He has met Jaebum's mother on his mom's reception, she seems to be shining way more comfortable on her own house.   
  
Youngjae was nervous so nervous he didn't know what to do with himself, he bowed just like stupid Jaebum had done at his house, fuck he wasn't trying to impress her he doesn't know why he did that, she seemed pleased though her eyes sparkling.   
  
"Ah Youngjae, good morning to you. Good morning to you too, son," she said to Jaebum kissing his forehead, "I didn't know you had someone over or I'd have cooked something special," she was looking at Youngjae in a funny way.   
  
Youngjae's eyes widened realizing he was waking up at Jaebum's house right after Valentine's day, his neck was covered in hickeys, tangled on her son's embrace. He closed his eyes praying that the ground would open just to swallow him alive, "Don't worry about it, Mrs. Im, I- I'm leaving already,"   
  
Jaebum doesn't seem to be bothered by her presence, not at all, he back hugs Youngjae again smiling big and bright behind him, "No you are not. Wouldn't it be rude refusing lunch invitation? He will be eating with us, mom, now where are my babies?"   
  
Jaebum's mom was laughing at her son's antics, they were so sweet to each other, Jaebum was her only child and he did say that she was a good mother, it made sense to Youngjae, he was glad Jaebum had a good relationship with his mother.   
  
He learned that the cats (Jaebum's babies) don't like it when there are strangers over so they were hiding Jaebum joked that Youngjae would have to come over more times so they would get used to him, Youngjae didn't hate the idea.   
  
They had lunch together and it turned out way better than Youngjae could ever imagine or even hope for, Jaebum's mom would struggle with English sometimes but she would always make a joke out of it, she was so funny, Youngjae understands why Jaebum loves her so much. They joke together non-stop, it's cute.   
  
Jaebum places his hand over Youngjae's one that was resting on the table, there are butterflies all over Youngjae's body, Jaebum's mother doesn't seem to mind their proximity, she doesn't even look surprised, they have a nice time, when they are done eating Nora shows up meowing loudly as if demanding attention, Jaebum gives it to her.   
  
When they're leaving Mrs. Im tells him to come visit them more times and that he will always be welcomed on their home, that she loves to see him and her son spending time together, she tells him about her childhood with Youngjae's mom in Korea and how life works in extraordinary ways for bringing them all together now.   
  
Jaebum drives him home on his pretentious Mercedes, Youngjae can't stop smiling the entire way, Jaebum's hand will fall to his thigh caressing it while they sing along to the EXID's album they're listening to. Jaebum kisses him goodbye and it feels good, it feels right, Jaebum takes a photo of their hands together on Youngjae's thigh.   
  
He feels bright.   
  
  


  
*   


 

  
  
Youngjae's entire family was having lunch together, they were here because it was the restaurant Grand Opening it belonged to one of his parents' friends, Youngjae isn't sure he didn't pay attention when his mother told him. They were all here, Eunji and Eunyoung too, their parents loved when they could all go out together, Youngjae couldn't even understand it since when they were children they were always left with Dorota, now his father is always complaining that he never sees his kids.  
  
His mother was talking to Eunji about a new diet telling her daughter that she should try it since her face is getting rounder now that she isn't living at home, Youngjae is sorry for his sister but he doesn't want to be part of this conversation so he keeps his mouth shut.  
  
On his other side, he can hear his brother talking to his dad about taxes, who even talk about stuff like that when they're having lunch with their family? Eunyoung does, apparently. Youngjae doesn't give a shit though, he's been texting Jaebum since they left home.  
  
Two nights ago they went to a painting exhibition, Jaebum was sending him some of the pictures he had taken of Youngjae. It was a beautiful exhibition but Jaebum had told Youngjae that they should make it even prettier, so he had Youngjae posing beside every painting trying to recreate the paintings or the feelings they were giving off, it was ridiculous. Youngjae couldn't stop laughing the entire night, he never had so much fun, certainly not an exhibition.  
  
After it they went to Jaebum's house, Jaebum blew him letting Youngjae come on his throat it was so hot, even thinking about that would make Youngjae's blood boil in his veins. Youngjae tried to blow Jaebum too, he wasn't as skilled so he had a hard time with it, but Jaebum came and Youngjae could see his face when it happened so he was pretty happy with it.  
  
He got distracted with Jaebum's pretty face while he was moaning Youngjae's name and choked on Jaebum's cum, the other boy had to help him even though he wasn't finished yet, all in all, it was a good night. Youngjae would say it was great.  
  
Now Jaebum was sending him a video of Odd rolling all over his bed, he said the cat likes Youngjae's smell and that he should come over later 'cause the cats are warming up to him and they would probably be able to meet, finally. Youngjae snorted, they were not warming up to him, Jaebum was an idiot, they would probably be grateful if Youngjae never showed up again and he let the other boy know that.  
  
Jaebum then sent him a text telling him that there was someone else who wanted him over though, sending it with a photo of his naked torso the boy lying on his bed, Youngjae could see the outline of his cock through his sweatpants.  
  
Youngjae hated him, he was blushing furiously and almost let his phone drop down on the table, he sent a bunch of angry emojis to Jaebum telling him he was out with his family but let him know that he was coming over later, anyways to wait for him.  
  
He put his phone back on his pocket realizing his brother and his father were eyeing him, he tried to pretend he didn't notice it. "So baby brother, I was thinking and tonight I and my boys will be going to a great party, it will be fun and it would be awesome if you tagged along, it will be good for you to see how stuff goes down at uni,"  
  
His brother has never invited him to a party, ever, Youngjae doesn't resent him mainly because he doesn't care about parties and he doesn't plan on going to any party at all, everyone here knows it so the invitation makes him quite confused, "Thank you, but I don't do parties? So no, have fun with your friends."  
  
"Oh come on, dad told us you're making new friends, I know you don't like parties but you have never partied with us, you will like it it's good for you, you're going to meet new people... girls, there will be a lot of girls..." Oh, so that's what the fuss is all about, huh, Youngjae sent a heated look at his father who pretended to not be hearing their conversation.  
  
"Well, I'm not making new friends, I have one new friend and I'm glad about the way things are." Youngjae tried to not say anything about it anymore wishing his brother would let go, he didn't.  
  
"Come on, what about the girls? You'll never get yourself a nice girl if you're always stuck in your room or hanging out if this one male friend of yours."  
  
Youngjae was getting mad, just because he didn't feel comfortable coming out didn't mean he was going to put in act pretending he was someone he wasn't, he was tired of playing this game for his family's sake when they wouldn't do the same for him, "Well have you ever thought about the possibility that I do not want to get myself a girl? Because I don't, at all!"  
  
"You wh-" his brother was looking at him as if he was crazy.  
  
"Enough! Eunyoung, if Youngjae doesn't want to go to this damn party he won't be going. What he does and who he befriends is none of our business. Now, I had a stressful week, Mr. Miller is being a pain in the ass with this new project... I just want to relax with my family, if you came to fight with our baby brother you shouldn't have come at all!"  
  
Eunji gave Youngjae a tiny smile, he was grateful his parents seemed to be okay or to just not care about whatever it was that Eunyoung was saying, he was grateful someone had his back. He didn't want to have an argument because of a stupid party.  
  
He could feel the dread back inside him, his mood dropping, he felt so tired suddenly, he would do anything to be alone right now, to not have to look at anyone. More than ever all he wanted was to be with Jaebum, he wanted to be embraced on his strong arms. Youngjae had to take deep breaths trying to clean up his minds, no bad thoughts, not right now. Not here.  
  
  
  
When they got home an hour later his mother locked herself up on her office with her assistant and a columnist, something about the next edition of the magazine, a disaster was going on judging by the look on their faces, Youngjae didn't care about it at all.   
  
They were all sitting on their living room, Eunji telling them a story about a blonde girl who was caught cheating on something, Youngjae doesn't know if in a test or on her boyfriend, he doesn't care at all either. His brother looks very interested in the blonde girl at least asking all kinds of things.   
  
Youngjae just has one interest right now. His only interest has broad shoulders and cute moles on top of his eye. He texts Jaebum asking if he can come over instead, he doesn't feel like leaving the house anymore, after their lunch he felt weird, he wanted to be left alone but Jaebum is different, he wants to be with the other boy right about now.   
  
Jaebum says it's not a problem that he will be at Youngjae's soon if he's curious about Youngjae sudden change of plans and humor he doesn't say or ask anything. For that Youngjae is grateful, he just wants to see Jaebum's pretty face, hold his hands and kiss him hard, he doesn't want to talk.   
  
Youngjae doesn't know how much times has passed when Dorota walks Jaebum into the living room, he doesn't have time to say anything before his father is getting up looking at Jaebum as if he is the president of the nation or someone equally as important and not just one of Youngjae's friends, "Jaebum-ah, I didn't know you and my son had plans, it's so good seeing you again."  
  
The older boy didn't seem surprised at all by Seok's warm reaction to him his reaction being just as warm, the old man introduced him to Eunji and to Eunyoung. Eunji was obviously charmed by Jaebum, which wasn't surprising every woman acts like that around him it seems, she was blushing when they shook hands.   
  
"I actually noticed you at mom's reception, you were here weren't you?" she was batting her eyelashes at him, it was making Youngjae incredibly angry. He never took the time to think about that, but his sister was a pretty girl, one of the prettiest he has ever seen maybe, she was small and delicate, all her features beautiful, she looked like a fairy. Youngjae hated it, hated her face.  
  
"Yes, I was. It's a shame we weren't introduced that night," he was being nice to her, he wasn't being flirty like he had been with the waitress, it didn't matter to Youngjae he wanted it to be over. His sister was telling Jaebum how she noticed him at Christmas too, her face a deep shade of pink.   
  
Before they could keep talking Youngjae stopped them, Jaebum hasn't even said hello to him yet it was like he wasn't even in the room, it was frustrating. "Yeah Jaebum is very interesting indeed, bet you all will be able to chat with him another time, we're going to my room to watch some movies now," he was giving them a fake smile, he hoped it said back off.   
  
It didn't work, "Why don't you two watch this movie of yours here with us, son? Let's all watch something together, a family afternoon, what do you say Jaebum-ah?" his father was nothing if not persistent, Youngjae knew that, he knew it was just a waste of time trying to convince him that they would watch this goddamn movie at his room and not here with all of them, he just accepted defeat.   
  
"Whatever," he sat himself down on their couch, he wanted it to teleport him somewhere else anywhere.  
  
Jaebum sat by his side, not as close as Youngjae wanted him to, Youngjae wanted him in his lap so he could hold the boy possessively against his chest. Jaebum was being mindful, he knew they shouldn't sit too close together not in front of Youngjae's family, he didn't want the other to be considerate right now though, he didn't care. His sister sat on Jaebum's other side, way closer than necessary, he couldn't believe this day.  
  
They decided on watching a weird documentary about sea lions on Netflix, why he doesn't know, no one here cares about sea lions, Youngjae wants to hit his head repeatedly on the wall till he isn't here in this room anymore. His sister was excited she would make comments every now and then, Youngjae hated her voice.   
  
Jaebum was sitting a little closer to him now, he did it smoothly no one paying attention to them. He tried to hold Youngjae's hand, the younger boy just bat his hand away, crossing his arms so Jaebum would understand that it wasn't happening. Jaebum kept trying to catch his eyes, but Youngjae refused to even look at him.   
  
He wasn't an idiot, he knew Jaebum wasn't at fault here, all he was doing was being nice to Youngjae's family he should be grateful he wanted them to get along, he wanted his father to like Jaebum. It was irrational he knew it, but he wanted Jaebum all for himself, he felt so dumb.   
  
Why did his sister notice Jaebum when he didn't? Why were they all so happy while he was miserable? Why they all could be charmed by Jaebum, praising him while Youngjae had to pretend that he didn't care? Why he couldn't interlock his fingers with the older boy and kiss him in their living room? Why didn't Jaebum greet him as soon as he got here?   
  
There were tears rolling down his face, he didn't care, he felt ridiculous, stupid. He cried silently so no one would notice, no one cared anyway.   
  
When the dumb documentary was finally over after almost two hours Youngjae got up walking himself back to his room, he didn't say anything to anyone, he didn't care for all he cares they can sit there and watch a million more documentaries. Before his body could even hit the mattress he was full on sobbing, he doesn't know what's wrong with him, he's being so childish why would anyone waste their time with him, he was pathetic.   
  
He was sobbing so hard he jumped in his bed when a warm hand tapped him on his arm, "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you." Jaebum was looking at him with so much worry it made Youngjae sob harder, he didn't want Jaebum to worry about him, he didn't want him to feel sorry for Youngjae.   
  
"Babe, roll over so I can lie down with you, yeah?" his voice soft so contrasting with the ugly noises coming from Youngjae.   
  
"No- no, I want you to leave. Lea-- leave me alone, go away!" he wasn't mad at Jaebum, he just didn't want the boy to see him like that, he wanted him to never look at Youngjae again.   
  
"Yeah, big fat chance that I'm leaving you here like that, come on make space for me," he got closer, giving Youngjae wet cheek a small kiss, "come on, babe."   
  
Youngjae got closer to the wall so Jaebum could lie with him, the sobs stopped, just some tears rolling down now, "Don't- don't call me that," his voice was raspy from all the crying.   
  
Jaebum sighed, they weren't touching each other at all, "I thought we were over that... what's wrong? Why are you crying?"   
  
"I don't want to talk you," he regretted it as soon as he said it, he wanted to talk to Jaebum, he wanted Jaebum to stay here with him, he didn't deserve it though.   
  
The sigh was back, he was sighing a lot, "You gotta give me something here- what did I do? Come on, Youngjae- I don't like seeing you like that, I-"  
  
"If you don't want to see me like that you might as well leave and never come back because this is all I have to give." Then the sobs were back too, he didn't want Jaebum to leave him, but he should, Youngjae is such a waste of time and space, he should just get himself a new distraction.   
  
The silence in the room was suffocating, it was bigger than the darkness.   
  
After what felt like hours Jaebum hugged Youngjae bringing their bodies close together, their faces so close that their noses were touching Youngjae closed his eyes so he wouldn't have to look at Jaebum, "Will you look at me?" Youngjae shook his head no, he wasn't going to look at Jaebum ever again.   
  
"Talk to me, please. What do I have to do so you will understand that I'm not leaving? Come on Youngjae- babe, I'm not leaving, I care about you, tell me what's wrong, will you?"   
  
Youngjae tried to pull away, but Jaebum was holding him tightly against his chest, he opened his eyes and all the air was knocked out from his lungs, Jaebum's dark eyes looked so sad, his brows furrowed, a look of pure worry in his face, it was an ugly thing to see Youngjae had done this to him, he felt so guilty, disgusted with himself.   
  
"I'm angry... with-- I'm angry with you,"   
  
"Why?" he looked regretful, he didn't even do anything.   
  
"I wanted to- I wanted to be alone with you, but then we had to watch that shitty documentary about fucking sea lions and Eunji was sitting so close to you, I wanted you to kiss me so bad, I wanted to yell at my father for hating me an-" the tears were rolling down his face again, he's been crying for hours now, he will look even uglier after this Jaebum might was well make out with Eunji instead.   
  
"Stop that, I got it you're having a bad day, I'm sorry I should have realized that when you asked me to come over, I should have paid more attention," Jaebum put his face on Youngjae's neck, breathing him in, placing a kiss there.   
  
"It's not your fault... I-- I'm sorry for overreacting, I-I didn't mean to... I just wanted to be alone with you and everyone was- I don't know, I didn't like how Eunji was looking at you," Youngjae confessed, it was easier like that without having to look at Jaebum's eyes, he could just say what was bothering him even though he wasn't so sure about it himself.   
  
He was stroking Jaebum's back, it was so warm so domestic he liked how it felt, Jaebum humming on his neck, "Okay, it's okay. You should talk to me though, you shouldn't try to push me away, talk to me when something like that happens. I told you, you're not by yourself, I'm here, you can talk to me."   
  
If he wasn't feeling guilty before he was now that's for sure, he didn't deserve how sweet Jaebum was being to him, it was overwhelming, "I'm sorry. I don't wanna talk about it anymore, will you... will you stay here for the night? Please I- I don't want you to leave."   
  
Jaebum looked into his eyes, his gaze sharp, "I told I wasn't going to leave, I will stay." Then he was kissing Youngjae hard and rough, it was not what Youngae was expecting, he thought Jaebum would be delicate treating him like something fragile, it was not what he wanted nor what he needed the other boy knew that.   
  
  
  
They've been kissing for so long now Youngjae’s lips were starting to ache yet he didn’t want it to stop, their kisses getting sloppy, needy and deeper, “Do you want to… Can I suck you off?”  
  
Youngjae nodded his head so fast and hard he almost hit Jaebum right in the face, “Yeah, please,” no use in trying to play it cool when they both knew he was desperate for it. After the documentary 'incident’ all he wanted was to be close to Jaebum, closer, impossibly closer.  
  
He wanted to be Jaebum's and to Jaebum to be his.  
  
They took off their clothes leaving just their boxer briefs on, they didn't want to waste any more time both too horny and eager to get off. Jaebum was leaving open-mouthed kisses on his stomach, biting at his navel, they agreed on no marks on Youngjae's neck so he family wouldn't see it. Either way Jaebum loved marking Youngjae so his stomach would have to do.  
  
“I thought about this all day long,” Jaebum was kissing Youngjae through the boy’s boxers, “putting my mouth on you-- make you feel good under me-” he was liking at the fabric making it wet with saliva, Youngjae’s precum adding to the mess.  
  
“Jaebum, don’t- don’t tease, yeah? Don’t tease,” Youngjae’s voice breathy dripping with needy, “please I just want to get off,” he bucked up trying to present himself for Jaebum.  
  
“Yeah, babe, no- no teasing tonight, I will take care of you, don’t worry,” With that Jaebum was sliding Youngjae’s boxers all the way off of him, leaving the younger completely naked and vulnerable under him. “Tell me if you want me to stop,”  
  
Jaebum wasted no more time talking, he placed a kiss over Youngjae cock’s head using his hand to jerk it lazily, his other hand massaging the boy's inner thighs. He kept his movements, proceeding to engulf both of Youngjae’s balls with his mouth, the pace of his hand speeding up slightly, “We said- we said no teasing!”  
  
Youngjae had his legs spread wide so Jaebum could fit between them, he couldn’t stop looking at the other boy he was so handsome Youngjae couldn’t believe he had him like that and it was just for him, at least for the time being. Jaebum had a mischievous look in his eyes, “No teasing,” then he licked Youngjae’s length from balls to head, putting the head on his mouth and sucking lightly at it.  
  
“Fuck, I might come so fast if you- fuck-” Youngjae said under him his entire body shaking. Jaebum let his tongue circle the tip of his cock tasting the precum coming from it. He was getting Youngjae's dick wet by giving it kitty licks, all while founding his balls on his hands.  
  
Youngjae was whipping holding tight on Jaebum, he knew he had to be quiet his entire family was at home so he was trying to muffle his noises biting down hard on his bottom lip, the older boy’s tongue was so hot licking at him, his touch so soft yet so damn good so warm, he was about to beg Jaebum to give him more when the boy seemed to decide that it was time to stop playing around, he put his mouth back on Youngjae's head, licking it, sucking almost the whole length into his hot mouth slowly so fucking slowly, stroking what he could take in just yet.  
  
He kept bobbing his head up and down taking his time, his pace wasn't slow but it wasn't fast either it was driving Youngjae crazy, “Jaebum, please please please-” he didn't know what he was asking for exactly he just needed more, more of the that burning heat around him.  
  
Their eyes locked, Jaebum staring intensely at him, his eyes so dark and glassy, his gaze so sharp it would be impossible to Youngjae to look away even if he wanted to, which he did not, in fact all he wished he could stay here looking into Jaebum's dark eyes, watching his dick disappear into his mouth for the rest of his life.  
  
Just then Jaebum got him all the way in, his nose making contact with Youngjae's pubic hair deep throating him taking him impossibly deep, it was too much. Jaebum was bobbing his head so fast now his rhythm so fast it was insane. Youngjae could feel his cock hitting the back of Jaebum's throat, again and again, it was so tight he could cry, he knew he was close, he was so close, “Jaebum, please I'm so close let me come, make me come.”  
  
Jaebum swallowed around him making the boy cry out loud, “Please please I can't-- I can't hol--”  
  
“I want you to-” Jaebum's voice was so hoarse, of course, it was, there were saliva and precum covering his entire chin and it was so fucking hot it was making Youngjae dizzy. Jaebum brought one of his fingers to his mouth sucking around it, his other hand stroking the dick on it up and down hard and fast.  
  
He kissed the tip again, looking into Youngjae's eyes, his finger disappearing between the other boy’s leg, “I want you to fucking come on my face.” He said it in a shaky voice, a finger circling Youngjae's rim. Youngjae couldn't hold it anymore he came hard, hot spunk spilling all over Jaebum's face even his hair, Jaebum milked him till the last drop.  
  
Youngjae looked down and the image he was presented with made he wish he could get hard again, Jaebum's entire torso was red, his breath uneven, his hair a mess, his face all painted in the white sticky fluid, it shouldn't be so hot but it was and Youngjae wanted to drown in him. He breathed contently opening his arms so Jaebum could lie down on him.  
  
“C’mere.”

Then they were kissing passionately again, Youngjae's legs circling Jaebum's waist bringing them closer, Jaebum was still in his boxers his hard bulge humping on Youngjae's stomach. When they came up for air Youngjae laughed softly, “Oh my god, clean your face up, it's a mess,”   
  
“Lick it off for me, babe,” Jaebum gaze penetrating into Youngjae's eyes, he couldn't believe what he was hearing did he really wanted- was he into that?   
  
“Seriously? Dude that's- why would I do that?”   
  
“Because it's fucking hot and I still have to come, I need to come,” he was humping hard desperately onto Youngjae. “Please, babe.”   
  
Youngjae rolled his eyes, okay he thought it was disgusting licking off his own cum from other person's face but he guesses it shouldn't be so weird and if Jaebum was into that he would at least give it a try. He rolled them so he was on top of Jaebum.   
  
“Okay, let me take care of you now, babe, ” Youngjae was only playing with him but he noticed how Jaebum's eyes widened getting even darker, which should be impossible, at the use of the pet name, huh.   
  
He let his hands travel down Jaebum's abs feeling just firm his body was, “So tight… babe,” he let his hand enter Jaebum's boxers caressing his dick with just his fingertips. “You look so good right now, your face painted with my cum, are you trying to impress me Im Jaebum? Trying to show me just how much of a good boy you can be?” he didn't know what was getting into him but Jaebum seemed to like it if the way he was bucking his hip upon Youngjae's hand was anything to go by.   
  
Youngjae let his tongue fall to Jaebum's face licking some of the cum there slowly, letting his tongue travel on it, he started to jerk Jaebum properly. “Will you be a good boy for me, Jaebum? Will you come in my hand and then lick it clean yourself? Suck each one of my fingers with your hot filthy tongue?”   
  
“Yes, please I-- I will be a good boy, I-- please Youngjae.” Youngjae didn't want to be called by his me right now, he wanted Jaebum to call him something else but he thought it was too soon for that, he didn't want to push Jaebum too hard. He kept licking Jaebum's face, his strokes getting incredibly fast, squeezing him just right. His arm starting to get tired he needed Jaebum to come.   
  
He was sucking on Jaebum's soft sensible skin just under his ear, biting softly at his earlobe, “You're doing amazing, such a good boy, my good boy.” Jaebum was crying, Youngjae couldn't believe what he was seeing but there were tears in the corner of his eyes, soon he was sobbing into his hands trying to suppress the noises he was making. Youngjae twisted his grip, speeding up his pace.   
  
He let his strokes the head of Jaebum's cock, making it wetter, stroking him real fast. “Come for me- Come for me, baby boy.” The last two words whispered in the huskiest voice Youngjae could manage. Jaebum moaned Youngjae's name so loud it startled the younger boy, he could feel the hot liquid covering his entire hand, running down his fingers, he didn't slow down keeping his pace till Jaebum asked him to stop between sobs.   
  
Youngjae let go of him, he put his hands right at Jaebum's face, “Lick it,” Jaebum's gaze was still glassy, he looked at Youngjae a vulnerable look in his face that Youngjae never thought he would see there. He nodded his head holding firmly on Youngjae's wrist licking his hand, making a pretty good job of it, letting his tongue slide into the spaces between Youngjae's fingers, sucking on the skin there as if his life depended on it.   
  
Youngjae pulled away so he could kiss Jaebum, the kiss was soft, just their lips moving against each other, he placed kisses all over Jaebum's face, “Good job, baby boy, you did great for me,” he praised.    
  
Jaebum’s blushing but he seems content, pleased with himself, he puts his face on the joint that links Youngjae's neck and collarbone, “Thank you,” he whispers.     
  
They kissed for a while until they were just holding each other, "Jaebum... are you awake?"   
  
Jaebum just hummed letting Youngjae know that he was listening, Youngjae was a bit nervous, he felt good yeah but he also felt guilty for the way he talked to Jaebum earlier and for overreacting, he was a dick for no reason, "I'm- I'm sorry for the way I talked to you. I didn't want you to leave, I wanted you to stay--" Jaebum still had his eyes closed, he could have fallen asleep and Youngjae wouldn't know.    
  
"I was having a bad day, yeah but it wasn't your fault, I was also being selfish... wanting you all for myself. I want you all for myself, y'know? I guess... I guess I'm a little possessive." He was ashamed, acknowledging the way he felt about Jaebum, to an extent at least. Acknowledging that he was jealous even though he had no right to, they weren't dating and yet Youngjae was demanding Jaebum all to himself, it was childish and selfish and he knew that.   
  
Jaebum chuckled not bothering to open his eyes, "A little you say?"    
  
Youngjae hits his shoulder lightly with that Jaebum does open his eyes, he stares at Youngjae for long minutes rolling them so he can be on top of the younger boy, he's sleepy and he seems very tired but the look he gives Youngjae is intense and genuine, "You shouldn't be jealous,"   
  
It's like a knife on Youngjae's chest, he knows that, he knows he had no right to be jealous but hearing those words coming from Jaebum's mouth hurts way more than they should, he tries to look away from Jaebum but the older boy holds his face in place, "You don't have to. I'm here with you and it's because I want to be here with you. You shouldn't be self-conscious, I want to be with you and I will for as long as you will have me."    
  
Jaebum kisses his forehead hugging him close to his body, Youngjae doesn't know what to say to that, they aren't together, right? Jaebum shouldn't act as if he belonged to Youngjae and yet here he was saying that he wanted to be with him as if they were together as if they belonged to each other. He didn't know what to make of it.    
  
"Okay," he said at least, squeezing Jaebum against him, impossible close, breathing was overrated anyways, he didn't want to think about what Jaebum told him or about what his own jealousy meant, he just wanted to be here, to fall asleep on Jaebum's arms and to not think about anything.   
  


  
  
  
*  
  
  
  


  
Youngjae has a lot of school work to catch up to, it’s exhausting but Kunpimook is helping him out filling him in on all he missed on the past weeks. He and Jaebum see each other almost every day, they’ve been hanging out a lot since the sea lion documentary, Youngjae doesn’t know why but all the events of the night brought them closer.  
  
Since Youngjae had a lot of homework Jaebum would come over whenever he could with the excuse of helping Youngjae with it, in fact, he did the contrary of it. He would lie on Youngjae’s bed while he read a book looking angelic, but he was doing the devil’s work, he was trying to distract the younger boy his legs parted apart, inviting. Youngjae was never able to resist for long so he would just go to bed with Jaebum and they would make out for hours till they would get hungry and stuff their faces with pizza rolls.  
  
On the days Youngjae wasn’t too busy they would go out, the boy had never been out so many times in his life in such a short period of time. Just last week Jaebum had taken him to a punk concert. They dressed up like punk boys, they looked ridiculous, Jaebum looked like he was part of the band, all his piercings giving him a badass look, it was ridiculous and so so hot.  
  
Youngjae had so much fun, he doesn’t remember ever having this much fun, Jaebum took so many pictures of them he was feeling like a model, a model posing for a punk magazine. He was so happy and light, he was living things he never thought he would ever live. Jaebum had fucked his thighs on the bathroom stalls of the club, both of them high as fuck. Youngjae remembers thinking that that was it, that was the life he wanted to live, that was exactly where he wanted to be, with the boy he wanted to be.  
  
  
  
They were watching ‘Weightlifting fairy Kim Bok Joo’ together is almost done with it, just four more episodes to go, but this week Youngjae was really busy with school, he couldn’t procrastinate anymore or else he would fail calculus and wouldn’t that fuck his ass over? So Jaebum wasn’t at his place as usual, they haven’t seen each other in three days and it was making Youngjae antsy, he hated it. He hated even thinking about the possibility that maybe, just maybe he was getting too attached to the other boy.  
  
Before going to bed he decided to facetime Jaebum, they’ve done it before, when they couldn’t see each other for some days, but Youngjae was never the one to initiate it. Everything has its first time, he supposes.  
  
Jaebum was in his bed, shirtless with Nora fast asleep on his chest, “You should come over soon, babe. I think Odd really misses you, Kunta too, Nora doesn’t care… but you should come over,” he looked sleepy, they should hang up soon.  
  
“Yeah, on the weekend, okay? Right now I really have to finish my papers… maybe I can come over Saturday morning so we can watch Bok Joo and I can see the kids,” Jaebum smiled big and bright at him, his tiny eyes disappearing with how big it was. He loved it when Youngjae referenced to the cats as ‘the kids’, and well Youngjae would amuse him once in a while.  
  
“Babe, you know what would be nice?”  
  
“If the sky were pink? If water were pink? If everything was pink?” he asked seriously, Jaebum looked at him confused then exasperated.  
  
“Where is this even coming from? No, it would suck, the sky maybe, everything else can keep its colors. Anyways, it would be really, truly nice if… if you called me hyung. What do you say?”  
  
Youngjae couldn’t help it, his laugh was so loud it startled him, “If I called you what? Oh my god, Jaebum, I’m not calling you hyung, I don’t even call my own brother hyung, we’re not in Korea and I’m not calling you hyung. No way,”  
  
Jaebum seemed even more determined now that Youngjae has refused it, “Why not? You see how your father calls me ‘Jaebum-ah’? Every Korean person I met here will call me that because they’re always, always, older than me. I tried to convince Jinyoung to call me hyung but he was a brat just like you, telling me we are the same age so he didn't have to,”  
  
Jinyoung was one of Jaebum’s best friend, Youngjae learned that Mark was The Best Friend, the one that lived next door to Jaebum. They met Jinyoung when they were in high school, soon they were all best friends till Jinyoung and Mark were more than that, on their last year they met another boy called Jackson and no longer that he was also dating the two boys. Now all the three of them lived together in California where they are studying to get their degrees.  
  
Youngjae always wondered why Jaebum didn’t go with them, why he was the only one that decided to not go to college, to take a year off. Jaebum said he had his reasons and that was the end of that.  
  
“I don’t care, Jaebum. That’s your problem, I won’t be calling you hyung like an idiot,” he didn’t care about it, to be honest, he just didn’t want to give in so easily.  
  
“Please, babe, I would like it so much. Please? I will do anything you want, I will take you to Disneyland and ride ever ride there, please, call me hyung yeah?”  
  
Jaebum was begging it was so funny, Youngjae was trying to keep his face impassive but it was just so hard, “I don’t want to go to Disneyland, and ride everything there. Why would I want you to do that? You would get too tired. Anyways I will think about that yeah? I’m not used to calling anyone hyung, so it might sound weird I think. I’d need time to get used to it.” Jaebum looked victorious, so damn happy, Youngjae hadn’t even agreed to it yet, “Ah don’t look so pleased with yourself, I might give it a try, but don’t get your hopes up.”  
  
“That’s fine, I’ll be happy if you try it at least, thanks, babe.” He was genuinely happy, Youngjae was glad he was the one putting that look on his face, “we should go to sleep now, you have class tomorrow morning I don’t want you to be too tired to pay attention,”  
  
It was already past one in the morning, a little too late already, he would be tired anyway, “Yeah, I know that I- I just wanted to ask you something,” he wasn’t sure if he wanted to bring the topic up, but he was feeling brave tonight and it was now or never. “Where- where do you want to go- to college, I mean. Have you thought of that yet?”  
  
“Yes, dad. I have thought of that for two years now, why do you ask?” Youngjae knows Jaebum’s family isn’t happy that he’s taking the year off, he probably hears a lot of questions like that, it wasn’t Youngjae's intention to make him uncomfortable, that was not why he was asking.  
  
“I was just thinking… because my family wants me to stay here, to go to Cornell like my siblings. But I- I don’t want to do that, I want to go away and I thought that-- you know since you will also be going in September… I don’t know,” too much for bravery, he was already rambling and he couldn’t make sense of his words, he wanted to be with Jaebum, that was the truth but he didn’t know how to say that without being clingy, they weren’t dating they were just two boys that spent a lot of time together, they weren’t  together together.  
  
Jaebum seemed relieved he even looked a bit hopeful himself, “I don’t know I was thinking, I thought about Stanford? Mark, Jinyoung, and Jackson are at UCLA, we would live in the same state, I’d be able to see them more often but not too much… I- What do you think? California is a bit too far away from home, would you be okay with that? I mean if you ever decided to go there too, not that I think that you will just because I might be going there-” He was getting nervous too, why were they getting nervous about that, they would talk about everything but college talk was making them sweat.  
  
“Going far away from here is everything I want, Jaebum,” Youngjae said softly, he was calmer now, he wanted to have this talk with the other boy for so long it was killing him, now that he was able to talk about it he could breathe better. They would be fine.  
  
“I think- I think we should stay close to each other, I don’t want to live far away from you,” Jaebum’s words were dripping with honesty, he was scared but he wanted this, Youngjae could see it in his eyes he had a certain look in them. “So, so we should make a decision about college, together- we should talk about this.”  
  
“Yeah, we will talk about this later. Let’s sleep, now. Good night… hyung.” he forced the word out, it wasn’t something natural for him, but it sounded good, it was fitting, Jaebum looked like a hyung, and after everything, they just said he thought Jaebum deserved to be appreciated.  
  
The look of happiness was back to Jaebum face, the worry from before almost all gone, “I will talk to you tomorrow, good night, babe.”  
  
They hang up but it took a long time for Youngjae to be able to fall asleep, he couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that he and Jaebum were talking about going to college all the way across the country together, both of them together.  
  
  
  
*  
  
  
  
Youngjae was finally done with most of the stuff he had to catch up, he finished it before than he expected, he called Jaebum so he could come over but the boy was busy with some friends, they were out bowling, he asked Youngjae if he was free from school responsibilities already because if so he would come to pick up the boy. He didn’t want that he didn’t want to go bowling with Jaebum’s friend, he wanted to be at his own silent room, he wanted to finish watching Kim Bok Joo.  
  
He lied to Jaebum saying he only wanted to talk and that no, he wasn’t free just yet, that he should have fun with his friends and that they would hang out another time. Youngjae wasn’t mad at him, not really, he was just feeling weird. These past weeks were weird, he was stuck at home and it’s not like he isn't used to it, he has always been stuck at home, he just felt lonelier, emptier. It would go away, probably.  
  
The very next day Youngjae had a fever, he was feeling even weirder. Shit like that always happened to him when he was a kid, feeling sad, empty, guilty, numb, feeling nothing at all? Fever. He would have lots of fevers when he was a kid, his mother would be worried out of her mind till one day his doctor told her that it was all on his mind, Youngjae’s mother was furious by the idea that her son was faking a fever, it wasn’t even possible. But the doctor explained to her that he wasn’t faking it, but his brain was making him sick, his anxiety was making him throw everything he ate up, that he needs help, the help of a psychologist, maybe some pills.  
  
He wasn’t a kid anymore, the fevers weren’t as frequent, he thought he was doing better lately, he thought he would get to live a normal life now. How naive of him, did he really think that Jaebum would just kiss his depression better? Youngjae was disgusted with himself, he couldn’t believe he thought he could have something healthy and functional with Jaebum.  
  
Jaebum was handsome, Youngjae has never seen someone as beautiful as him, he was smart, educate, he was sure of himself, he had a lot of friends, he was charming everyone liked him as soon as they looked at him, he could be a bit intimidating but the moment he gets the chance he shows everyone just how fucking sweet he is. Jaebum is talented and liveful, it’s like he shines, he does, he shines brighter than the sun.  
  
Youngjae was nothing like him. Youngjae was cold, cold and dark, so dark. He was numb, the pills messed him up, it was like he was anesthetized, everything numb, couldn’t feel a thing. The last time he talked to Jaebum he was with his friends, Youngjae couldn’t even talk to people.  
  
Youngjae would just stop Jaebum from living other things in his life, he was probably doing it right now. Eunji talked to him about Jaebum, she asked if the boy had a girlfriend when Youngjae replied saying he didn’t know she was deflated saying a boy as handsome and as young as Jaebum wouldn’t be tied up to anyone, He is probably sleeping around, right? He is too good-looking, a boy like him wouldn’t settle down just for anyone. I wish I had it on me to sleep around too, I’d give him a try. She smirked at Youngjae, saying it as a joke, it wasn’t funny to him.  
  
He didn’t think much about it at the time, but right now this is all he can think about. He knows Jaebum isn’t sleeping around, he’s with Youngjae all the time, day and night, he wouldn’t have the time to do that. But the fact is that he could, he could be sleeping around if he wanted to.  
  
He could be doing a lot of things, he could be living his life with people as happy and as interesting as him, people just as beautiful, but still here he was wasting on time on Youngjae. It wouldn’t last though.  
  
Youngjae ain’t dumb, he knows he has nothing to offer, Jaebum is into him now but for how long? God, they were talking about attending the same university. Was Youngjae out of his mind? Jaebum would probably get over him before September even comes around and Youngjae would be left with his heartbroken because he was dumb enough to fall in love with the boy.  
  
Yeah, he could admit it to himself now, he was in love with Jaebum. He was so fucking in love, Jaebum was everything in his mind. He loved his smile, he loved the sound of his voice first thing in the morning, he loved the way Jaebum would talk to his cats, he loved everything about him. He was so in love.  
  
He wanted Jaebum to be happy.  
  
He wanted Jaebum to be so damn happy, and it hurts so bad to know that he can’t be the one to make it happen. Youngjae can’t make Jaebum happy, not like that. Not when he is a fuck up, not when he can’t see himself having a future, not when he can’t live a life.  
  
Youngjae can’t live, he has never lived.  
  
He looks at his life now and what has he ever done? What has he ever achieved? All he does is watch, he watches other people living. He just watches his own life right before his eyes. He doesn’t live it.  
  
He’s experiencing love now, he is living it. But he doesn’t think he deserves that, he doesn’t deserve love, he doesn’t deserve Jaebum’s time. He deserves the numbness, he deserves to be left alone.  
  
He hasn’t been to class in a week now, Youngjae had Dorota calling the principal to communicate he was sick, it wasn’t a lie he was sick. He had thrown up everything Dorota made him eat this week, he hasn’t forced the vomit he just couldn’t stomach it. The fever only lasted for two or so days.  
  
His battery died and he hadn’t bothered charging it, he hasn’t talked to Jaebum in a week, he misses Jaebum so much it’s like someone is killing him slowly but he never dies, it’s just the pain, the constant pain.  
  
He cried himself to sleep every night, he thinks about how ugly and how disgusting he is, he thinks about hurting himself. But he won’t do it, not again, not after so many years, he is doing alright won’t do it ever again, he promised he wouldn’t and he won’t. But he wants to, he wants so bad, he wants to punish himself so bad.  
  
So he does, he punishes himself by staying on the music room from the time he wakes up till he can’t stay on his feet anymore. He plays the violin till his fingers bleed, he will play till he can master it. He cries and he plays, he cries and he sleeps, he sleeps and he throws up and he cries, and he bleeds.  
  
  
  
On the seventh day since he last talked to Jaebum, he is in the music room, his fingers hurt they are wrapped in a bandage, Dorota would pass out if she saw just how ugly they look. Youngjae is trying to compose a new melody, but it sucks he can’t do anything right.  
  
He wants to break the goddamn violin when Jaebum walks into the room, his face unreadable.  
  
“Leave.” Youngjae’s voice doesn’t shake, his eyes don’t widen, his face impassive. His posture stiff. He won't break.  
  
“What the fuck, Youngjae. I’m not leaving, stop fucking playing this shit,” He’s standing right in front Youngjae and the boy won’t even look at him, he won’t stop playing. “I said. Stop. Fucking. Playing. This. Shit.”  
  
Jaebum wasn’t yelling but he was angry, his voice was dripping with anger, Youngjae didn’t want that, he wanted the older boy to leave him alone but he didn’t want to be yelled at, it would break him even worse and he knew that. Stopping his movements on the violin he looked at Jaebum as if he had no idea why the other boy was so furious.  
  
“What do you want?”  
  
“What- what do I fucking want?” Jaebum was too close to comfort, Youngjae took a step back but Jaebum took two in his direction just as fast. He was talking closely to Youngjae’s face, “Do you think this is a game? You think I’m a kid that you can play games with, it’s that what you think Choi Youngjae?”  
  
Youngjae shouldn’t be scared that Jaebum would scream at him, in fact, his voice was low, so low Youngjae could only hear it due to their proximity. He was so intimidating when angry Youngjae wanted to run. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’m sorry.” He wasn’t going to give in, of course, he knew what Jaebum was talking about but he wanted to play it cold, he didn’t want to show just how much he cared.  
  
“Youngjae- babe-- do you have any idea how worried I was? At first, I thought you were just busy with school work, that maybe you were taking more time with it than we originally thought. But then you weren’t answering your phone, you didn’t text me back, I tried face timing you and nothing, I was worried about you,” Jaebum tries to reach for Youngjae’s hand the boy flinches away from the touch.  
  
The hurt on Jaebum’s face kills Youngjae a little, “Then I- I called your house and Dorota told me you were sick, I wanted to come to see you but she said it was best to live you alone… that was four days ago, Youngjae. I’m done with leaving you alone. I was scared I had done something to hurt you, I tried recalling everything I said the last time we spoke, but I couldn’t think of anything, we were alright, weren’t we? Now you won’t even let me touch you, will you let me know what’s wrong? Please,” his voice was weak, the anger has gone so fast, just pain was left. Youngjae hated himself for causing it.  
  
“I- I don’t know what to say,” dumb, fucking dumb. He was supposed to tell Jaebum to leave him alone, to go away and to never come back, he wasn’t prepared to be faced with a heartbroken Jaebum though. He didn’t know how to act now that the boy was here so close to him, the smell of his cologne making it hard for Youngjae to not just bury his face on his neck.  
  
“Tell me what’s wrong, please just tell me what’s wrong, I’m not mad I promise. Just talk to me, Youngjae, please.”  
  
It was tempting but Youngjae knows what he has to do, he knows he can’t keep playing this game they’ve been playing for months now, it will hurt even more when Jaebum finally gets done with him.  
  
“Listen, I’m sorry for not talking to you. I- I didn’t want you to worry, really… but I think we shouldn't see each other anymore. You should just leave,” Youngjae couldn’t look at Jaebum’s eyes, he had to close his own eyes, the other boy’s face so close to his that he had no other option.  
  
“Babe, don’t-- talk to me, please. You can’t just- you can’t just break up with me like that,” at that Youngjae did look up, he flinched again when they locked eyes.  
  
“I can’t break up with you when we aren’t even together, this is not how it works, Jaebum,” his voice flat and cold.  
  
“We- what do you mean we aren’t together? We’ve been together for months!” He got away from Youngjae so he could pace around the room, hands pulling at his own hair. “How can you say that? You know how I feel about you, and you just-”  
  
His voice was shaking, Youngjae didn’t want Jaebum to cry here, he didn’t want Jaebum to cry at all. He walked towards the older boy but now Jaebum was the one taking steps back, “Jaebum, hey- stop that alright? Come on, we have to be realistic, okay? I have nothing, literally nothing to give to you, I’m fucked up here,” he says tapping at his own head, “I can’t believe after all this time you still can't notice that. Come on, Jaebum, look, just look at me, alright?” Jaebum was looking at him, he looked perplexed as if Youngjae was making no sense.  
  
“Look how screwed up I am. I’m a mess, you don’t deserve this.” he wasn’t crying, he didn’t feel like crying anymore, Jaebum, on the other hand, had tears rolling down his face, he looked like someone was physically hurting him. “You deserve to live your life, I-- I’m not going to do that, you know that right? I’m not going to live life, I’m going to stay here, I’m going to get in Cornell if I’m lucky enough, I will be in the closet for as long as I live and I won’t ever make friends or date someone. This,” he says gesticulating at himself and at the room, “this is me, this is what I have. We were being dumb, dreamers and dumb. I’m not going to California to be happily ever after with you. I won’t be happy at all. You should just leave it while you still can.”  
  
Youngjae sat at the piano bench the tiredness of the day finally catching to him, Jaebum sat at his side, resting his head on Youngjae’s shoulder. “It doesn’t have to be like that...” He was whispering, Youngjae doesn’t know what for.  
  
“Remember when I told you that the way your life is right now it’s not the way it is doomed to be forever. You’re not stuck here, babe. You don’t have to go to fucking Cornell, you can go to Stanford with me. It can be just the two of us, no one else. I want to be with you, can’t you see that?” They weren’t looking at each other, both of them staring at the floor, Youngjae’s hand on Jaebum’s hair playing with it, Jaebum’s hands rubbing nervously on one another.  
  
Youngjae could see that, he could see that just fine, he knows Jaebum wants to be with him, but how can it last, “Hyung, it is not funny, y’know? Living with someone like me, what will you do when I stop going to class so I can stay in bed crying? What will you do when I stop eating altogether?” he let his hand fall to the back of Jaebum’s neck massaging it. “You will try to help me, I know you will but one day you will get tired, you will want your old life back, and what will I do? How I’m going to move on from you? It will just break me, you know that,”  
  
Jaebum lifted his head so he could look at Youngjae, one of his hands coming up to the younger’s cheek. “I do not know that, you do not know that, Youngjae. You can’t see the future, you can’t sit here and just tell me how things are going to be. Let me try, try with me. Let’s go to California, hell we can go to Tokyo if you want to, I don’t care, I just want to be with you. I want to try. I won’t get tired of you, goddamnit Youngjae this is not how things work when you like someone.”  
  
He was getting closer and closer, he closed his eyes placing a kiss on the mole under Youngjae’s eye, he loved it. “Let me help you, please. I want all of you, I want your pain too, I want the dark parts you want to keep hidden, I want it all, let’s share it, please share it with me. I can’t move on from you either, babe.”  
  
Jaebum licked his lips, Youngjae couldn’t help but following the movement with his eyes, Jaebum’s face was damp with tears, he wasn’t crying anymore but his eyes were still puffy, “This is not- this is not how things work, Jaeb- hyung. We can’t share my pain, all I’ll do is be toxic to you, I will hurt you, I will make things dark to you too… I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want you to live the hell I live.” It hurt him because Jaebum’s proposal was so tempting. He wanted to be with Jaebum so bad but he couldn’t be so selfish to the boy he was in love with.  
  
“That’s not fair, don’t you see it? Don’t make decisions for the both of us. Let me make my own decisions, goddamnit Youngjae I’m in love with you I want to be your boyfriend and I want to live with you no matter where. I want to kiss your face every morning and I want to introduce to my friends as my boyfriend, I want to hold your hand when you need me, I don’t want you crying by yourself on your dark room, I want to be there for you, why won’t you let me be there for you? Just let me,”  
  
Then he was putting his lips on Youngjae’s jaw, moving it to his lips slowly. Youngjae didn’t know what to do, he wanted that, he wanted Jaebum to be with him but he had nothing to give back, he was disgusting he shouldn’t, “I’m not good enough,”  
  
“You’re just what I need, I need you,” Jaebum was kissing his entire face and it was making Youngjae so damn weak, he wanted to try but it was so hard. It was just so hard, some days he didn’t want to live it was like he was dead already. “Please, I won’t hurt you, I will help you to heal, I will take care of you, babe.”  
  
Jaebum kissed Youngjae’s fingertips through the bandages, Youngjae wanted to cry no one has ever kissed his injuries, Jaebum couldn’t kiss his mental illness better but maybe, just maybe, he could help Youngjae take care of himself, he would help Youngjae with his wounds, he wouldn’t leave Youngjae alone.  
  
“You want to introduce me as your boyfriend huh?” he tries to say it playfully but his voice breaks.  
  
“Yeah… let’s do this together. We can decide the future we will have, I want ours to be lived side by side,” it was so cheesy, any other time Youngjae would tease the hell out of Jaebum, right now though it brought tears to his eyes. He nodded his head, he couldn’t say anything else, he didn’t know how.  
  
After everything that went in his head this past week he was sure he and Jaebum were over, he was convinced that it was the best thing to do. But he needed to be brave, this time he needs to really try because he wanted to do it for the both of them. He wanted to be happy because that would mean Jaebum’s happiness as well. He wanted to be free so they could be free together. He wanted to love, so they could love each other.  
  
They were still looking at each other, Jaebum was waiting for him to say something and so he did, “We will be fine, right? You and I, we will be fine, yeah?” then they were kissing, it was just a sweet kiss after being apart for days, they were being delicate with each other, Jaebum just wanting to hold Youngjae make sure he would stay right there with him.  
  
“Make love to me, hyung.” Youngjae said breathlessly between kisses, “Make me yours,” then Jaebum was kissing him hard on the bench, his lips so soft demanding attention, his tongue hot exploring Youngjae’s mouth.  
  
“Yes, love. Let’s go to your room,” he couldn’t take his mouth or his hands off of Youngjae though, Youngjae had to push him away. Jaebum’s eyes were burning with passion.  
  
“Let’s go then,” Youngjae said interlocking their fingers so they could walk all the way to his room.  
  
  
  
Inside Youngjae’s room, everything is different, it’s like they just walked into a parallel universe. It’s dark and it’s cold and it makes Youngjae cringe, it’s not like the music room atmosphere was something magical or anything it was normal, but here it’s so… it’s like the room and Youngjae are connected as if the fact that Youngjae feels worthless inside made his room just as gloomy.  
  
Suddenly there’s sunlight hitting Youngjae’s eyes, Jaebum is drawing back the curtains making the room come to life. Again it was a different place, Youngjae hasn’t seen his room like that since he was a kid, it feels weird he can see everything, every corner, it’s a little messy but not too much, the room seems bigger, Jaebum seems to think so as well.  
  
“It’s huge. I like it,” he says stepping closer to Youngjae, his arm falling to the younger waist, seeking for contact.  
  
It’s too cheesy, Youngjae won’t say it aloud, he won’t make a dumb analogy about how Jaebum lighting up his room it’s exactly what he did in Youngjae’s life. How he gave Youngjae’s life a meaning, how he made Youngjae come alive. It’s too cheesy so he won’t say that, but that's the only thing he can think about when he leans up to capture Jaebum’s lips in a heated kiss.  
  
He tilts his head so he can deepen the kiss, he kisses Jaebum hard, he’s hungry for it. He was so sure that he didn’t deserve Jaebum in his life, he’s still not confident that he does, that he deserves it but he knows that he wants. He wants Jaebum, he wants to be with Jaebum.  
  
They kiss, Youngjae walking Jaebum backward till his knees hit the bed behind him and they fall into it, Youngjae on top of Jaebum.  
  
“I bought- bought something to you,” Youngjae says leaving Jaebum on the bed while he looks for something in his desk, he has a smirk on his face when he walks back to bed, he’s nervous yes but he thinks Jaebum will like it. “This is- the same one you have at your place,” Youngjae says showing the other boy a red bottle of strawberry flavored lube.  
  
Jaebum looks at it blushing, “You didn’t have to,”  
  
“I also got those,” Youngjae drops a bunch of condoms on Jaebum’s chest, they are all pink and smell like strawberries and latex, “The lady at the supermarket looked at me as if I was a pervert, Jaebum, buying only strawberry stuff… the things I do for you.”  
  
Jaebum sports such a beautiful shade of pink is messing with Youngjae’s head so he kisses him sweetly, “Babe… I can’t imagine you buying this stuff is so- so hot,” Jaebum is kissing all the extent of Youngjae’s jawline, “God, I want to be with you so bad, I want to-”  
  
Jaebum is scraping his nails lazily at Youngjae’s scalp, his other hand squeezing Youngjae’s ass, leaving Youngjae light headed, he can feel the warmth through his jeans and he wants them off.  
  
“I want you- God I want you to fuck me so hard, I want to feel you inside me,” Youngjae says taking off his shirt trying to take off Jaebum’s as well. Soon they are naked, kissing like it’s the last thing they will have the chance to do it as their lives depend on it.  
  
Jaebum is on top of him, leaving kisses and tiny bites all over Youngjae’s abdomen, “You’re so pretty babe,” he watches as the boy’s skin gets all red under his ministrations. Youngjae’s cock hard, curved on his stomach being completely ignored, Jaebum giving all his attention to Youngjae’s nipples now, playing with them.  
  
“Jaebum… hyung- hurry up, please,”  
  
“Okay, babe, I- I have to. I have to stretch you, okay? It might be a little weird and it might hurt a bit, tell me if you need me to stop,” then Jaebum is kissing his inner thighs, lips just so close to Youngjae’s sack it makes the boy shiver.  
  
And it is very weird indeed, and it hurts, Youngjae doesn’t want Jaebum to stop, he knows what he wants and he will get it. But the intrusion in his hole gotta be one of the weirdest things he has ever felt, when Jaebum get three fingers inside him the stretch seems to be a bit too much but just then he is hitting something inside Youngjae and the boy is moaning out.  
  
“Do- do that again, oh fuck- do that again,” Jaebum is fingering him faster now, fingertips brushing Youngjae’s sweet spot like he wants Youngjae to lose it. “That’s enough, be a good boy, yeah hyung? Fuck- fuck me already, yeah?”  
  
“I don’t- don’t want to hurt you, babe,”  
  
Youngjae can’t believe Jaebum is going to make him beg for dick, he just can’t, “Please, baby boy, I need it or I will cum on your fingers, please- just-- you won’t hurt me, I’m ready.”  
  
But he doesn’t know that, he feels ready yeah but he doesn’t know how ready he is supposed to be, he is blinded though, all he cares about is Jaebum’s dick inside him now.  
  
“I- tell me if I hurt you-” Jaebum seems so unsure of himself, Youngjae hates it. He has his legs spread Jaebum in between, he tries to widen them as much as he can, he wants Jaebum close, closer.  
  
“I will tell you, don’t worry you’re doing great, baby boy. Get- put it in already,” he wants to reassure Jaebum but he is getting impatient, his cock is so hard it’s starting to ache, he needs to come and he knows he won’t last much so he needs Jaebum to just do it already.  
  
“Okay,” Jaebum says it but he lets one of his fingers slide into Youngjae’s hole again instead, with his other hand he lubes up his dick, the anticipation is killing Youngjae. The room smells of sex and strawberries, Youngjae needs to come so bad he feels tears forming in his eyes, he is about to beg again when Jaebum lines his dick up with Youngjae’s hole, “I’m going to-”  
  
Youngjae is nodding his head so quickly, it makes him ever dizzier before he knows it the head of Jaebum’s cock is entering him, stretching his walls, it hurts, it hurts so bad. But Jaebum gives him time to breathe, now it just feels weird, he needs him to keep going. After what feels like hours Jaebum slides more of his length in, he does it so slowly but then finally, finally he is all the way in, his hips meeting Youngjae’s.  
  
They’re breathing in each other faces, Youngjae tries to lean up to a kiss tears rolling down his face, “Hey, I’m here, I’m right here, babe,” Jaebum says kissing him, their lips moving against each other. Youngjae thinks it’s a dumb thing to say, he knows Jaebum is here, Jaebum is right here, he is inside Youngjae, yet it takes a weight off of Youngjae’s chest he feels protected like he belongs.  
  
“Will you- oh god, you should move,” so Jaebum does move, he does it slowly too, just a roll of his hips, it lasts for just about a second and Youngjae is already crying out. It’s weird being filled up like this, he never felt something quite like that, it’s a foreign feeling but it’s not bad, no, it’s good it’s so good. Youngjae’s entire body is aching for it. He arches his hips and oh. Both of them moan so loud Youngjae has a second to worry that someone might hear them, but just them Jaebum rolls his hips again and again.  
  
His pace ain’t fast, he is giving time for Youngjae to get used to it thrusting slowly circling his hips, Youngjae is grateful but he wants more, he needs more. “Faster. Hyung-- fuck me.”  
  
Jaebum’s eyes are so dark, his pupils huge, he kisses Youngjae with so much tongue he takes all the boys breath away but he doesn’t change his pace till he sits back on his knees. Jaebum almost folds Youngjae in two, bending his legs over his broad shoulders, “Babe-” and them he is fucking into Youngjae, fucking into him so hard. Youngjae has to close his eyes, he can’t keep looking or he will come right at the moment. Jaebum looks like something taken from heaven, he looks so hot and he is pounding into Youngjae with a crazy pace. He doesn't look human. He looks like an angel or a demon, Youngjae isn't sure.   
  
Youngjae is moaning and whining under Jaebum, he feels like he is going to pass out, his body pliant, he wouldn’t be able to move if he needed to, he is glad Jaebum is doing all the work because he can’t do much more than biting his bottom lips. He gets his eyes open and he almost passes out for real. “Hyung-- hyung, kiss me, kiss me, please,”  
  
Here he goes begging again, he doesn’t care all he wants is Jaebum close to him, he wants to be impossibly close, he wants to be one with Jaebum. Jaebum slows down so he can bend over and kiss Youngjae on the lips, their hands find each other. Youngjae squeezes it and doesn’t let go.  
  
“I want it- to be with you. I want to be with you,” Youngjae can’t say much more than that, not right now, not while Jaebum is rocking his hips into him, he can’t form words or thoughts but he knows that Jaebum will get it, he will understand what Youngjae means. He doesn’t mean just right now, he doesn’t mean just the sex, he wants to be with Jaebum, he wants to have a life with him.  
  
Their hands are clasped together, Jaebum picking up his pace again, the change on his position making his cock hit right on Youngjae’s prostate with every thrust. Youngjae feels his dick pulsing in his stomach, being pressed between their bodies, everytime Jaebum moves he hits Youngjae’s prostate and presses his cock even more. He won’t last, he just won’t.  
  
“I’m going to- fuck god I’m--” he can’t even say it, his hole is clenching sucking Jaebum’s cock in, like it doesn’t want Jaebum to get out, trying to keep him inside. Jaebum is moaning obscenely over him,

“Yeah babe me too--” his pace becoming a mess, his thrusts sloopy and uncoordinated, “Come for me, yeah? Come for me babe,” he hits Youngjae’s prostate with no mercy, making the boy cry out coming untouched all over their bodies, making a mess.

“Fuck fuck fuck--” Jaebum is rocking his hips so hard and so fast, the noises they are making so dirty it’s all Youngjae can hear in the silence of the room, he is still coming, hole clenching he he feel Jaebum coming inside him, hot liquid filling the condom, he fucks into Youngjae a fews more times till he can’t move anymore.

When Jaebum is off of him it feels weird, he feels so empty he doesn’t like it, he reaches out so Jaebum is lying in his arms, “We should take a shower, babe,”

“No, not now, let’s just, let’s stay here. Stay here with me,” Youngjae ain’t so clingy, not under normal circumstances but he has just been fucked for the first time, give him a break. Jaebum kisses his forehead.

“Can I- can I take a picture of you later? I won’t do anything with it I promise, I just-”

“Yeah it’s fine, I trust you, later though, let’s sleep for a bit,” Youngjae kisses Jaebum’s adam's apple, hugging him against his body. Jaebum plays with his hair for some time till both of them get to sleep.

When they wake up some hours later both exhausted, Jaebum does take a picture of Youngjae, he takes a picture of the bed and of their clothes scattered on the floor. Youngjae thinks it's cute, a little bit weird but cute nonetheless. They shower together on Youngjae’s bathroom, Jaebum borrows a sweatpants and Youngjae will never admit it but the boy looks so good on it, wet hair with no shirt on just one of Youngjae’s sweatpants... it’s his best look.

They get in bed so they can finish watching Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo, they will order pizza later and sleep till ten o’clock of the next day. Youngjae doesn’t feel like everything is alright in life just yet, but he feels way better than he felt the past week, he has something he had never had, he has hope, he looks at Jaebum’s sleepy face and he can see himself waking up to that for the rest of his life, he wants that.

 

*

 

They were hanging out at Jaebum's house they do this a lot nowadays, the couch of his house so comfy all the cats lying there with them. Youngjae loved being here, Jaebum's father was never around, they've met only twice and he seemed okay with Youngjae. Jaebum's mother didn't care about them making out on her living room at all. Jaebum told her they were dating but asked her to keep it a secret for the time being, she was so understanding it made Youngjae's heart ache.

It was nice, being here, being able to kiss Jaebum whenever he wanted to, he felt so free like he wasn't doing something wrong, forbidden. The other reason that made he love it here so much was the cats, he had to admit it he loved them, they were his babies now too, he couldn't imagine just not loving them, Nora was still warming up to him but the other two, Kunta and Odd, loved him. Whenever he was there they would follow him around walking between his legs meowing loudly, they were so needy and so was Youngjae so he thinks they were all a perfect match for each other.

They were watching The Office right now, they are already on season 4. Youngjae was astonished when he found out that Jaebum had never watched it, it was Youngjae's favorite show he was happy to rewatch it with his boyfriend, it was a bonding experience. They've been eating popcorn and drinking wine, it was a good combination, Youngjae was happy, very comfy, very warm and very happy.

“What are we going to do with them?”

“With whom?” Jaebum wondered distracted by the scenes on the TV.

“With the cats, hyung. When we move what are we going to do with them?” He had his head on Jaebum's lap not paying attention to the show anymore, he was a tired and he didn't care about that particular episode, also the alcohol was messing with his head he was thinking about sad cats with no daddies.

“Mom will take care of them” Jaebum said dismissively.

In a second Youngjae is sitting up staring at Jaebum like the monster he is, holding Odd tight to his chest, the cat trying to escape without hurting him. “What did you just say? Are we leaving them behind? What the fuck Jaebum what kind of parents do that to their kids? We are not leaving them here!” that got Jaebum's attention, he paused the episode.

“What- We won't have a lot of time to be at home with them, also moving is stressing for cats they don't adapt as easily as dogs so they'll be staying.” he says it like it's final, decision already made.

Youngjae is pouting, he doesn't want to leave them behind he loves these cats he can't live four years without them, “Jaebum- hyung… we're going to be away for four years, we can't leave them here! Also we are two, our schedules won't be the same we will be able to spend time with them just fine, stop that! I want them to go with us I won't accept it.” He had his arms crossed in his chest now, Odd on his lap looking at something behind Youngjae, “I won't be living so far away from them for four years, I just won't. I'll be going to fucking Cornell you can go to California by yourself.”

“Are you saying you're going to stay here with them and let me go all by myself?” Jaebum was laughing loudly he was a bit drunk, his face all pink. “Oh my god, babe.” He was trying to bring Youngjae closer to him but they boy wouldn't budge. It made Jaebum laugh harder, “Can we talk about this later? So we can have a plan? We don't even know if we will be going there you don't have to act like this.”

“We _will_ be talking about this later… there’s no way they aren’t going with us.” Youngjae was pouting he wasn't leaving the cats behind they would all live together, the five them, a family. He moved so he could sit on Jaebum's lap, moving Jaebum’s fringe from his eyes, it was getting a bit too long, “So, I saw my old therapist today.”

“Oh- okay? How was it?”

“I- I decided to go back to talk to her, she thinks it would be good for me if- if i would talk to her once a week. Then when we move away, she said she would recommend me someone else to see. She thinks it will help me, I didn't tell her about you, about us moving together- yet, but I will next time and I don't know but I do feel like it could help a little, you know?”

Jaebum had both his hands on Youngjae's cheek, he played with his hair putting it behind his ears. It was also getting too long way longer than Jaebum’s he couldn’t even use it to cover up his forehead anymore, Jaebum loved it. “This is good, I'm happy. I'm proud that you did it on your own… it will be good you know having someone to talk that can help you, maybe you will feel more comfortable talking about... your sexuality now that we- now that you were able to voice it out.”

“Yeah, I’m excited.” Youngjae smiles, kissing Jaebum's moles on the top of his eye. “I never liked talking like that with therapists but I don't know I want to do that this time. I also talked to Kunpimook about- about us.”

“Oh, you told him-” Jaebum seemed so surprised, it’s like every step Youngjae takes surprises him, as if he expects Youngjae to have to be pushed to do things, but Youngjae is trying on his own and he is glad he can do it for himself.

“Yeah, he said” Youngjae lets a loud laugh escape, “he was like _I knew it, when that cute redhead asked you out and you said you had homework I just knew you were gay,_ he said it like that as if me being gay was something ordinary… I guess it is not that big of deal for other people, and it sucks because I blame myself a lot for being like that…” That was not news for neither of them, but Youngjae never talks about that, not like that, he is too ashamed to acknowledge the fact that he feels shame for being gay, he knows that there is nothing wrong with him but it’s difficult to really comprehend it when you’ve been hating yourself for that for so many years.

“Anyways, he said it’s really not a problem and that it was cool and that he wants to introduce me to his _boyfriend_. He’s dating a guy from our school, can you believe it? His name is Yugyeom and he is sixteen, Kunpimook wants us to go on a double date,”

“I’m not going on a double date with a kid, babe. No way in hell,” his face is scandalized but he is squeezing Youngjae’s ass.

“Don’t be an asshole, he will turn seventeen soon. It doesn’t matter anyways you will meet them at my graduation. You’re going right?”

“Of course I’m going, what kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn’t go watch my man finally freeing himself from the hell that is high school?” He kisses the corner of Youngjae’s mouth. Youngjae loves this kind of affection, little kisses that are just kisses, just Jaebum showering him with love just because he cans. So Youngjae kisses every corner of Jaebum’s face so he can feel loved as well.

“I think wine  makes you quite talkative, you’ve just talked about three or four different subjects on the span of minutes,”

“It also makes me quite horny, did you know that?” He says moving to kiss Jaebum in the lips, he charged forward just a little so they crotches can touch, none of them are hard or even half hard but Youngjae wants them to be, he is tipsy and he wants to feel Jaebum _inside_ him as soon as possible.

“Don't start something you're not planning on finishing,” Jaebum says biting at the bottom of Youngjae’s lip.

“That I don't plan on finishing? Who says I don't? Forget about this boring ass episode, I have something more interesting for you here,” Youngjae brings Jaebum's hand that isn’t squeezing at his ass to the front of his pants. “Let's go to your room and maybe I will let you have it... if you are a good boy,”

“Ah, such a tease you are, Choi Youngjae.” Jaebum kisses him deeply, getting up with Youngjae's legs around his waist.

“Can you go all the way up the stairs carrying me like that?”

“Nah, we will probably just fall and I'll hurt my back, get down,” Jaebum's face is nothing if not content though, Youngjae can't believe he gets to see this on a daily basis. He can't believe he is part of that, that he is not making Jaebum miserable, that he makes the other boy happy instead.

“Catch me if you can then, old man,” before Youngjae can finish saying it he is already running up the stairs a dumbfounded Jaebum running after him calling him a brat.

 

*

 

Time goes by fast, way too fast for Youngae’s liking. His graduation is a blur, he can hardly remember it, he doesn’t care about stuff like that, but he family does and they were all there, Dorota cried the entire way there and through the whole ceremony.

Jaebum was also there, he went with his mother, no one thought it was weird that he was there, Youngjae still struggles with it, he thinks at any moment someone will call them out say it’s weird that they are always together and expose their relationship. He is constantly scared of it.

He's been having a lot of nightmares like that lately, he dreams that his father hits him and tell him the ugliest things, that he hates Youngjae and that he is a mistake. Youngjae doesn’t want to live like that, he wants to tell them even if it goes wrong he wants to be free, he wants more than anything to kiss Jaebum in public, he wants it.

Nothing goes wrong, everything goes perfectly fine, Jaebum meets both Kunpimook and Yugyeom, Kunpimook almost has a heart attack saying Jaebum is way too pretty to be human, but then proceeds to harass him about Jaebum’s annoying camera that goes off non stop and later threats him promising to castrate him if he ever hurts Youngjae. Jaebum is terribly annoyed by Kunpimook and Yugyeom, saying he is glad Youngjae isn’t as annoying as them and also is way cuter than they could ever be.

Youngjae laughs through the entire exchange, he will miss Kunpimook, they’ve known each other since they were little kids, the only kid that wanted to befriend the weird shy kid that Youngjae was. Kunpimook is going to stay in New York, so Youngjae guesses it’s cool, he will be able to see him when he comes visit, at least he has that.

Coming to visit though, that is a sensitive subject. He hasn’t talk about not staying in New York to his parents yet, when he had to apply to college he applied in just every option he could think of. His family wants him to stay close to home but they wanted him to be safe applying to a bunch of different places, he heard back from a lot of them, but he knew exactly to which one he was going, he just didn’t know how to tell them.

It was killing him, they were all at home, his father and his mother having bonding time with their kids, it was just the beginning of summer but Eunyoung had plans of travelling abroad with his friends, his father wanted the five of them to spend time together as much as possible. Youngjae didn’t care about it, they were at the living room but they weren’t doing anything interesting, just watching TV, his mother was always busy so for her even watching TV was an big event.

Youngjae couldn’t stop shaking his legs, he was about to explode with anxiety.

 

_\- me -_

_what if i come out rn? - 6:35 PM_

 

_\- jaebummm hyungie -_

_what???? - 6:38 PM_

_what  - 6:38 PM_

_BABE WAT - 6:39 PM_

 

_\- me -_

_what if i tell my parents that im gay jaebum - 6:39 PM_

_what do u think coming out means - 6:39 PM_

 

_\- jaebummm hyungie -_

_babe where is this coming from? u shouldn’t do something like that without thinking it through - 6:41 PM_

 

_\- me -_

_u think i didnt think it through????????????? 6: 41 PM_

_can u come over? i dont want to do this by myself 6:42 PM_

 

_\- jaebummm hyungie -_

_ofc bb i’ll be there in a few yeah dont do anything 6:42 PM_

 

Youngjae’s body wouldn't stop shaking, his family is oblivious to it, none of them care of course they don’t. They’ve asked for pizza so Dorota could have the day off, she’s been dating the dude from Valentine's day, Youngjae is happy for her but he wishes she was here, maybe he should do it another time…

“Jaebum is coming over, is that alright?”

“Oh, of course it' not a problem son, we can have a proper movie night this time now that you’re mother is here too,” his father did seem okay with the prospect of Jaebum coming over, his mother was happy saying how much she loves her friend’s son and that they haven’t seen him since graduation day. To Youngjae’s surprise his siblings don’t even react, he guesses Eunji ain’t interested in it as she would be some months ago.

The pizza gets there but Jaebum doesn’t, Youngjae is about to fucking die, his heartbeat so fast, his hands sweaty. He can’t believe he is going to do this, he is going to tell his parents about Stanford and about fucking Jaebum, well not about _fucking_ Jaebum, but about Jaebum, about what he really means to Youngjae, he feels like just running away with Jaebum, it will be easier.

When Jaebum finally, finally, gets there Youngjae’s father is all too happy to greet him in Korean, he loves that Jaebum likes speaking Korean to them and complains a lot about how his kids don’t appreciate their culture as well as they should.

Jaebum looks green, he is being nice and probably no one but Youngjae can see it but he face is pale and his hands are shaking too. He sits by Youngjae’s side, just the two of them on the couch this time. Youngjae has no idea what movie it’s playing on the TV. All he can think about is the reason why Jaebum is here, they can’t talk about it right now but Jaebum is squeezing his hand reassuring him.

“Dad, can you- can you pause the movie, please?” his voice breaks at the last words.

“If you’re going to the bathroom do it quickly it was just getting good,” Eunyoung says with his mouth full of pizza, he is such an annoying ass he is not even paying attention to the movie.

“I’m not- not going to the bathroom,” Jaebum squeezes his hand again, he looks very nervous but he is there, he already had to this, he came out to his parents and he did it by himself, now he is here doing it with Youngjae, it’s stressing and suffocating but at least they have each other.

“I- I’m not going to Cornell or to NYU, I’m not- I decided on somewhere else,”

“What- I thought, I thought you’ve already decided to stay here it was the plan, right?” his mother looked surprised and a little hurt but nothing too bad, she obviously wanted all her kids attending the same place so she could have them closer and know where exactly where they were. Youngjae was about to throw up that wasn’t even the worst part yet.

“It was not really my plan, mom. You see… I want to-- I’m going to Stanford,” he wanted to ease the information on them but he didn’t know how to do that so he just said it.

“That’s ridiculous, this is all the way on the other side of the country, you're not going to California this is not up to discussion,” his father voice was at the same level it was before, it really was like it would not be a discussion Youngjae wasn’t going and that would be the end of it. But Youngjae was going and that was not the end of the conversation.

Eunji was eyeing Youngjae clinging to Jaebum, their hands joined together. He could see the moment realization took over all of her face, her eyes widened, she got up and sat on Youngjae’s other side, squeezing his arm quickly and then letting go.

“I- yes I am. I’m going to California, dad.” Goddamnit his voice sounded so weak, how could he stand up for himself when he couldn’t even talk to his parents properly?

“Son, it’s better if we talk about this another time, okay?” His mother looked quickly at Jaebum, as if letting Youngjae know that it wasn’t proper to talk about this in front of someone who wasn’t family. She didn’t know just how part of this Jaebum really was.

“No, we’re talking about this now. I’ve already decided, at this point there is nothing anyone here can say to change my mind,”

“Your mother is right we are not discussing this right now,” His father looked like he was ready to get up, Youngjae was frantic he couldn’t let his father leave, if he didn’t do it now he would never be able to-

“I’m not done yet, I’m not done,” his father was angry now, Youngjae could see it in his eyes, his expression didn’t change but his eyes were becoming furious, he was eyeing how close Jaebum and Youngjae were sitting too but he didn’t seem to realize it just the way Eunji did.

“Me and Jaebum we will- we will go together,”

It made his mother look relieved for some reason, “Oh, my dear angel, is that because you don’t want to be apart from your friend? He will be able to visit, his family lives here too, it’s not like you won’t see each other anymore, you don’t have to move to be close to him,”

Youngjae laughs bitterly, how can’t she see it? She thinks he would move all across the country because he will just miss a friend? He can’t believe they’re so blinded that he has to actually say it out loud so they can get it.

“Mom, you don’t get it… I’m moving in with Jaebum, we’re going together-- we are going to be together the both of us. Together.” he says and for good measure shakes their hands clasped together in the air so they can see it.

“What-” his father is stepping up getting closer to them taking three long strides, Jaebum gets up as well getting in between the two of them just as fast, “get out of my way, you-”

Youngjae stands up but Jaebum is like a wall in front of him, making Youngjae take a step back, “You better calm down,”

“I better calm down? Watch your mouth you little brat you’re at my house! Get out of my way and let me talk to my son, let me look at him!” Seok is yelling loudly now, his wife at his side trying to calm him down, while his other son stares at them like they are just actors in a movie he’s watching.

“Jaebum, it’s okay,” Youngjae says trying to make the older boy move, he does reluctantly so but he stays right at Youngjae’s side, arm around his waist. “Dad, listen-”

“Who does this brat think he is to be touching you like that?” His father is yelling right at both of their faces, Youngjae looks at his mother and she seems shocked. Youngjae wishes she would do or say something but she’s just letting her husband take care of the situation.

“He is- he is my boyfriend, dad.” He doesn’t feel shame saying it, he feels like he is doing something that he shouldn’t be doing but he doesn’t feel shame, he is not ashamed of Jaebum.

“Your what?” he then is pointing a finger at Jaebum's face, Jaebum isn’t intimidated he is holding the older man stare, chin held high looking at the lawyer in front him like he dares him to do something to him or to Youngjae. “You came into my house- we welcomed you here and what for? So you could corrupt our son with your obscenities? He isn’t like you, you hear me?

“He isn’t like me? I’m afraid you don’t know your son at all, Mr. Choi,” Jaebum’s voice is dripping if venom, like he wants his words to hurt.

“Son, you don’t have to move all the way across the country to be with this boy, you can stay here with us, we can look for new doctors they will help you, you won’t be confused anymore. If he is persuading you to do something you don’t want to, you can tell us, dad won’t let anything bad happen to you.”

Youngjae can’t believe what he is hearing, he tries to get away from Jaebum so he can have a better look at his father's face, so he can get closer but Jaebum’s grip on his waist is too strong, it will probably bruise. “If he is- no one is making me do anything I don’t want to! God, can’t you see it? I. Am. Gay.” He did it, he said that, it’s just the third time he says it aloud, he said it first for Jaebum, then Kunpimook and now to his family, this is by far the worst one of them, but it’s also the one that is freeing him, he feels like he can breathe for the first time since he was a kid.

“How can’t you see that I’m gay? That this is who I am-- That I’ve always been like that? I don’t need your doctors to help me, I’m not confused and it’s not because of Jaebum either, I’d be gay even if I wasn’t dating him. I’ve hated myself for years because of this, because I was scared of you, of what you would say to me, when i was twelve I was constantly paranoid that you would find out about me being different and would throw me out and I’d never see Dorota again.”

“Stop acting like this is Jaebum’s fault when it’s not anyone’s fault, and it’s not even something bad so there’s no one to blame. I love Jaebum and we will go to California together, I will graduate and I will have a job, I will make my own money and have my own family. I understand that it might be difficult to you right now, but you will get over it, dad. I will have my own life, it's decided.”

When Youngjae is done talking his mouth is dry, he is breathless but he feels weightless too, as if someone had just walked to him and said _it’s not your fault, you can stop feeling guilty now,_ and magically it wasn’t his fault anymore. He wasn’t feeling guilty, he was anxious but he was free from guilt.

Everyone in the room was looking at him, no one saying a word, till Eunyoung’s voice broke the spell, “I’m sorry that you felt like that your entire life, baby brother. Me and Eunji should have taken better care of you, we won’t let you feel like that again, right?” he said looking at Eunji that was nodding smiling softly at Youngjae. “It will be good for you living in California, you could use a tan,” he is trying to joke but no one laughs, he doesn’t either.

And then his father is just walking out of the room, he goes into his office closing the doors behind him, “I don’t want you to hate yourself either, son. It hurts me knowing that you’ve been through that all by yourself for all this time,” she doesn’t try to hug him, she just squeezes his arm, the one that is not being held captive by Jaebum’s body. “You must understand that this is hard for your father, the way he see things… maybe it’s better if you spend the night at Jaebum’s. I will talk to your father everything will be alright, you will see.”

“I wouldn’t let him stay here by himself anyways,” Jaebum’s voice is full with disdain, he sounds like he hates Youngjae’s parents for daring not welcoming the news that their son is gay by throwing a party. Youngjae understands it, he wouldn’t like to see anyone hurting Jaebum either. He wants them all to get along, but right now he understands why it’s not a possibility.

Youngjae’s mom doesn’t say anything else she just walks out getting into the office with her husband. Youngjae doesn’t know what to do with himself so he just hugs Jaebum who crushes him into his body whispering in his ear that it all will be okay and that they have each other, to not to worry, _let’s go home so we can eat better pizza, yeah?_ Youngjae laughs even though his face is wet with tears.

 

Jaebum’s bed is huge, not as comfortable as Youngjae's, but huge and it’s nice because they fit there just fine even with the three cats trying to take over all the space. Right now Jaebum and Youngjae are lying together in a really tiny space while the cats take up most of the bed space. They don’t mind it, it feels nice.

Youngjae has his head on Jaebum’s chest while the older one let his fingertips run up and down from Youngjae’s scalp to his shoulders, some tears will wet Jaebum’s shirt from time to time, Youngjae’s isn’t crying as hard as he did on the way there but he can’t help some tears from falling down.

“He looked like he hated me didn’t he? Like he was disgusted with me- with us, with what we do,” he whispers his voice sounding way too loud in the silent night.

“No, he didn’t look like he hated you, babe. I know how it feels now, but he will come around, promise.” Jaebum’s voice is soft too.

“I’m happy,”

“You don’t look very happy from up here,” Jaebum’s voice has a hint of a smile to it, Youngjae smiles into his chest.

“Don’t be a dick, I’m shaken up, obviously. But I’m mostly happy, now we are free both of us, it wasn’t fair- you having to be with me like that… you had to be closeted again after all you had gone through coming out to your parents. Now we can be ourselves, we can kiss in public and you can hold my hand whenever you want,”

“We did those things since our first date, babe,” 

“Well yeah, but it’s different I guess I won’t feel guilty like I used to,” he closes his eyes breathing on Jaebum’s scent, he smells so good, like home.

“You’d feel guilty?”

“Yeah…” Jaebum doesn’t say anything, there’s nothing to say, they can’t change the past and they can’t change the way Youngjae felt, they can only hope that things will get better now, that he will get to feel better about himself.

“I was thinking, what we will do with our summer? We should do something,”

“What do you want to do?”

Youngjae hums he didn’t put much thought on it if he’s being honest, he just wants to be with Jaebum and have a good summer before College starts, “I’ve always wanted to go to South America, you know how people travel just with a bag and they go to a bunch of countries, and like they can’t bring a lot of stuff and they don’t stay at fancy hotels, everything is very simple, and you can catch the bus or the train to go from a country to another... It might be a little tiring,”

“Okay…” Jaebum sounds very unsure, his hand freezing on Youngjae’s back who can’t help laughing a little.

“A bit too much?”

“Yeah, babe. Maybe we can do it next year instead? I don’t think we would survive so much work going to so many places right now, y’know?”

“Yeah, I know… what about Greece? I went there once with my family, when I was like five I think?” he lights up at the idea, lifting his head so he can look at Jaebum’s smile. “That would be so nice right now, the summer there is pretty hot, I think. We could go to the beach and to museums. Oh my god, hyung, can you imagine all the pictures you will take there, I won’t probably ever see your face again the camera being in the way,” he laughs imagining it. “Please, let’s go to Greece. Hyungie... please.”

Jaebum leans up to steal a kiss, “You don’t have to act cute, or try to bribe me with the promise of good pictures or to call me 'hyungie' like that if you want to go to Greece we will go to Greece. No biggie.” He cups Youngjae’s face in his hands, it’s a bit overwhelming the way Jaebum is looking at him as if Youngjae is something important to him. “When you were talking to your father… you said something-”

“I said a lot of things, you will have to be more specific than that, honeybuns.” Jaebum glares at the nickname as if Youngjae doesn’t know that he loves it and will probably ask Youngjae to call him like that again later.

“Come on, Youngjae. You said- you said you loved me.”

“Oh,” Youngjae completely forgot about that, he knows he said it, it just came out naturally because he has known he loves Jaebum for some time now but he wasn’t planning on telling the other boy it just yet, he didn’t know if they were ready for that. He wants to shy away from the subject, to bury his face on his hand till he is not here anymore, but he doesn’t Jaebum doesn’t deserve him to run from them, “I don’t regret it,”

At Jaebum’s silence he gets even more antsy, “You don’t have to say it back-- but I do, I love you, hyung. How can I not? You’ve become my entire world, everything I’m doing is so we can be together, of course I love you, baby boy. I love everything about you.”

Jaebum exhales slowly, Youngjae keeps going, “The things I said, the other things- when I said that I was going to California and that was going to get a job and a family and shit, I- I never made plans for the future, that was the first time… I couldn’t even see myself having a future, now all I want it’s to build a future for ourselves. I don’t even know how it will be, a bet it will be tough because I’m still me with my non functional brain, but I want a future… that’s because of you, so of course I love you.”

Jaebum has tears in his eyes, Youngjae wants to call him a sap but then Jaebum is kissing him, rolling them on the tiny space they got in the bed so he is straddling Youngjae’s legs. Youngjae is breathless pretty soon, Jaebum is kissing him deeply, shoving his tongue all the way into Youngjae’s mouth like his life depends on it.

“How can- how can you say that I don’t have to say it back… babe, the day I saw you for the first time, last Christmas I-- I knew it. I knew that we would see each other again and I knew that you would be important to me, I knew we were meant to be.”

Youngjae is still trying to catch his breath, “You’re such a sap, you couldn’t know that.”

“And yet I knew. I fell for you, and then at the reception you looked so pained when I said I wanted to hang out,” Youngjae tries to protest but Jaebum won’t let him speak, “I almost thought I should just let it go, but your eyes… I wanted to look into them forever. You can call me sap or cheesy or whatever you want as many times as you’d like I don’t care. But I did, I loved you from the moment I saw you at that party. I’m incredible in love with you, I love you so much, Choi Youngjae.”

Youngjae can feel the burn in his face, he tries to cover his face with his hands but Jaebum won’t let him, he holds Youngjae’s wrists in his hands at their sides. “You’re making me cringe, don’t say stuff like that!”

“You’re stupid,” but there’s no heat to it, “and I’m too, now we’re stuck with each other.” Jaebum says proceeding to kiss him again.

They kiss for hours till they pass out too tired from the day in each other arms, Youngjae cries in his sleep, he dreams about monsters and swords that try to kill him. Jaebum hugs him and Nora licks at his tears. He is scared, but he doesn’t regret it, he doesn’t regret anything. He had courage and he knows ten year old Youngjae would never believe he had the balls to do what he did today but he would happy to know that someday his struggles would get easier, that the guilty would give him a break. He would be happy to know that things wouldn't be the way they were forever. That life isn't static. 

 

*

 

“How have you been, sweetheart? You look so thin” Dorota is looking at him up and down so much worry in her eyes.

“I’ve been away for five days, Dorota. I didn’t lose any weight, actually I stuffed my face with Korean food these past days,” she doesn’t look relieved though, Youngjae doesn’t think food or weight is what is really bugging her. She probably freaked out when he didn’t come back home last week.

“Do you- do you know why I’ve been staying at the Im’s? Did mom tell you?”

“Your father did,” then Dorota is on tiptoe trying to hug him, he bends down and hugs her, it’s a little awkward but she seems to need it. “I don’t like the way they acted, it’s not my place to- it’s none of my business, but you’re my boy, you know that,” he voice is muffled by Youngjae’s chest so he lets go to have a better look at her face, “I gave him a piece of my mind,”

“You did what? Dorota!” Youngjae doesn’t want her getting in trouble because of him, he knows his family would never fire her but still he doesn’t want them to have any kind of argument.

“It doesn’t matter now, they are at the office, your mother and father, they asked you to come talk to them, didn’t they?”

“Yeah…” Youngjae is quite nervous, he doesn’t want to get in the office just yet, he doesn’t know what to expect from this talk they want to have, maybe they will tell him to get his things and to never come here ever again, he doesn’t know.

“Ah, it will be fine. Just go in already,” Dorota doesn’t seem sure though, Youngjae isn’t either.

When he enters the office his parents are both sitting on armchairs, one armchair empty between them, Youngjae is eyeing it and out of nowhere he has his arms full with his mother hugging him. “My baby, I missed you,”

Youngjae thinks it’s impossible for her to miss him in just five days, they almost don’t see each other around anyways, he is always at his room and she’s always working, but he appreciates the hug and the words.

He sits at the vacant armchair and stares at his feet for a minute or two waiting for them to say something, anything, he won’t be the one starting things here.

“I’m sorry for the way I reacted,” Youngjae looks at his father, the old man has an earnest expression on his face, it’s funny to Youngjae how he can apologize like that, his voice doesn’t shake, he doesn’t look ashamed or anything, “the things I said should not have been said. I understand that there is nothing wrong with you being-- the way that you are. I know you don’t need doctors help. It’s difficult to me, you’re my youngest… you never dated or showed interest in dating and then suddenly you have a-- you and that boy are together, I was surprised and you are way too young to move in with someone,”

His father can’t even say the word gay, he can’t say it out loud that Youngjae has a boyfriend, he is apologizing though so Youngjae thinks that it’s enough for now, he can work with that. “It’s not- it’s not like that, we will be like roommates, I would have to share a place with someone anyways,” it’s a weak protest, he knows this, his father and his mother know this, he and Jaebum won’t be just like roommates, they will share their lives. Youngjae knows that, he is scared, he thinks they are too young for this too, he thinks it’s too fast but it feels right, maybe too fast doesn’t equal doomed to fail.

“You should come back home, I don’t want my son living at other people’s house as if the doesn’t have a family,” his mother is saying as if she wasn’t the one who told Youngjae to go to the Im’s house, he won’t call her out on that. They seem to want he here, to want him back, he will get what he can get, he wants to have a good relationship with his family and he will work for it.

“I- I’m going on a trip next week… with Jaebum.” Saying Jaebum’s name here makes Youngjae cringe is like he is cursing in front of his parents.

“Oh? Where are you two going to?” His father doesn’t seem pleased but not mad either, so that’s good.

“To Greece, his father has a friend- she is a travel consultant and-- she fixed things up for us, we wouldn’t know what to do to be honest, but she helped us, we’re going to be there for a while, since you know it’s summer and…”

“Greece is amazing this time of the year, you two will love it, quite romantic isn’t it?” His mother is excited, he can’t understand her, she didn’t apologize but she didn’t say anything either, she is just letting things flow as if she is just intermediating the problem between her son and her husband. His father grunts at the word ‘romantic’.

“It doesn’t matter, come back home for the week, we should spend some time together as well, soon you will be living far from us, you should be with your family. Your brother is going to Italy next week as well so we should all be home for the time being,” there is no place for discussion here, he wouldn’t complain that his family wants him at home anyway.

Youngjae has been scared of this moment his entire life, the outcoming is being way better than he could ever imagine or hope for. He is so grateful, he is not religious but he is thankful to whichever force that is out there for helping him out.

“We talked, me and your father, your boyfriend is welcome here. We should apologize to him as well, we will do it… as soon as possible,”

And that is surprising, isn’t it? His parents apologizing to Jaebum? He smirks to himself, he never thought something like that would happen, his father looks like he just had to suck on a lemon, but he doesn’t protests. Youngjae hugs him, he won’t cry, not right now anyways, but he is so happy, he is floating.

 

The following week goes by with no incidents, Jaebum does come over and talk to his parents and he is a little bitch to them. They are trying to apologize and show that they regret not supporting their son right away but Jaebum keeps being sarcastic acting as if they are the worst people alive. Youngjae is annoyed by it but he won’t interfere, Jaebum has his reasons to not trust them, he knows that, also Jaebum will be mad if he wants to be mad yeah but Youngjae knows he would never do something to hurt him and that he will come around as well.

Jaebum and Eunyoung bond over dumb movies they both seem to be fans of, Youngjae doesn’t care they are probably just bonding over the fact that they are two annoying nerds so he doesn’t care.

Three days before their trip Youngjae meets Jaebum’s friends, he almost breaks up with Jaebum do he doesn’t have to go. He is so scared, he is sure they will hate him, he is not pretty enough for Jaebum, or smart, or funny, he isn’t good enough for their friend in any aspect, they _will_ hate him, they have to.

They go to a Karaoke, the five of them, Youngjae, Jaebum, Mark aka The Best Friend, Jinyoung and Jackson. Youngjae’s hands keep sweating and it’s disgusting, he wishes he would get the flu so he could stay at home.

He doesn’t get the flu, but turns up that they don’t hate Youngjae, they don’t hate him at all. Mark and Jinyoung treat him as their little brother, Jackson also treats him like a brother but instead of trying to protect him he bullies Youngjae, is playful and Youngjae loves them.

They are all surprised by Youngjae’s voice, he can even score 100 points when he sings Dangerous Woman by Ariana Grande, Jackson cheers loudly when he is celebrating with Youngjae and Jaebum gets mad saying the Chinese boy is getting way too handsy with his boyfriend.

It’s good though, it’s a good night, he has a good time. Jaebum takes so many pictures Mark has to tell him to stop before he breaks his camera. It’s all good, they are all nice people, Youngjae is happy Jaebum has found such good friends. Youngjae wants Jaebum to be happy more than anything in his life, so it is really amazing knowing he has friends that got his back.

He tells him so when they go back to Youngjae’s house and spend the night together, Jaebum looks like a kid on Christmas morning telling Youngjae that they will also be Youngjae’s friends and they will all be a happy group in California. Youngjae is happy.

 

 

*

 

 

On their first day in Athens Youngjae wakes up to the smell of bacon and eggs, he wrinkled his nose when he tries to reach up to Jaebum and realizes he is alone on the bed. They got here yesterday afternoon, they’ve probably slept for more than thirteen hours, Youngjae feels well rested and hungry, very, very hungry.

He goes to the kitchen looking for Jaebum and finds him cooking, so he is the one making bacon and eggs, nice. They are staying at a hotel that offers studios and not just suites, it’s awesome because it’s just like a tiny apartment they have privacy but the hotel takes care of everything else like keeping the kitchen stocked with food and the rooms cleaned up. Just all he could wish for.

“Bacon and eggs in Greece, really hyung? How American of you, I was expecting for something a little more… hum Greek-ish?” Youngjae slides behind Jaebum kissing him quickly on the lips.

“And I’m not even American so you should be grateful that I’m cooking for you, brat,” he places the food in two plates, he has also made coffee, Youngjae tries to kiss him again but all he can do is smile against Jaebum’s own smile.

“What are the plans for the day, hyung? I’m well rested and it’s hot as hell, should we go to the beach?" The eggs taste amazing, Jaebum is such a good cook, he lets his boyfriend know that.

“No, no beach today, actually no beach at all this first week.” Youngjae looks at him curiously but doesn’t complains, “this week is for doing cliche things a tourist would do only,”

“Well, we are tourists... so I guess it’s fitting,”

“No babe, I mean that will be visiting monuments, the city's architecture, museums and the alike, today we will go to the Acropolis… I really want to see the ancient Theatre of Dionysus it’s so beautiful and huge I want to take pictures there, you were right they gonna look amazing, I was seeing some stuff online earlier… anyways, we will see a lot of stuff today and walk a lot so please put on comfortable sneakers and light clothes.”

“Then next week after we’ve done all this we are going to an island,” at that Youngjae looks up, he didn’t know about that.

“An island?” he’s done eating, he just have to take a shower so they can get it on with their tourist itinerary.

“Yeah, we will be going to Santorini, Susan buked a place there for us on a villa, she said it has the best views in the entire country-”

“Ah so you can take pictures,”

Jaebum glares at the interruption but keeps going, “it seems to be really beautiful and I thought we _both_ would like it there, after that we can decide on what to do, if you want we can come back here or we can go to another island, I think coming back here would be the best there’s so much to see and to do.”

Youngjae wanted to come to Greece just because it’s beautiful and because it’s summer and they should do something, Jaebum is so excited that he is surprised that he wasn’t the one who suggested it. He wants to see everything and he planned it all with Susan, the tourist consultant, Youngjae will do whatever he wants to do, he just wants the other boy to be happy and to enjoy their vacation.

“Whatever you think is better, baby boy,” he says giving Jaebum a long sensual kiss,

“Don’t- don’t call me that or kiss me like that when have to leave, because we do, we have to leave right now if- if we want to enjoy our first day here and…” Youngjae kisses him again making it even more fervent sliding his hands over Jaebum’s chest and shoulders.

“Later then,” he winks at the boy while he walks to the bathroom and he can hear Jaebum soft pained groan.

 

“I am so fucking tired, there’s no way I’m doing this for a entire week, hyung,” Youngjae falls face down on the couch, “I’m just not,”

They walked around the whole day, Youngjae almost teared up three times, everything is so beautiful and so huge, he can’t believe humans being are capable of doing such amazing things. But he almost cried again on the way back to the hotel, his feet are killing him, he won’t be able to walk ever again.

They already had dinner at the restaurant just next their hotel, it was so good but Youngjae couldn’t even eat as much as he wanted, all he could think about was hurrying up so he could lie on a horizontal surface.

“Go take a shower, you stink,”

“Fuck you, I don’t stink,” but he did he knew he was stinking but he was just so tired, he didn’t want to move at all, “I will go after you, you can go first, you’re the stinker one here,” which was also a lie, Jaebum didn’t stink at all, Youngjae doesn’t know how he does that but he smelled amazing just like he does when he takes a shower, he hates it.

Some time later they are both in bed, showered and Youngjae is feeling a little less like death, Jaebum is fidgeting with his phone, “Everything alright?”

“Huh? Yeah, everything’s fine,” but he is distracted and he won’t look at Youngjae, Youngjae isn’t having it.

“Stop with the phone and look at me, what’s wrong?”

Jaebum does look at him, he seems nervous like he is afraid of what he is going to say but he ends up just asking if Youngjae is really too tired.

“Yes, hyung. I’m very tired and a little sore it’s like someone made me run a marathon, I will sleep like a baby tonight,” he yawns, he is very tired and tomorrow they have to wake up early again.

They stay in silence for some time but Jaebum won’t stop with the worried face, “Spill it, what’s wrong with you, Jaebum? Do you miss Nora?”

“It’s not- well, of course I miss Nora I don’t like staying away from her, but it’s not that… I- I wanted to try something…”

“Okay… what it is?”

Jaebum was being shy before but now he is all confidence looking at Youngjae like he knows he is going to win whatever is it that he wants, “Are you too tired to fuck me, babe?”

Youngjae can’t say anything at first, did Jaebum just- he wants Youngjae to fuck him as in he wants Youngjae to do the fucking? He didn’t even know that it was a possibility, he knows he shouldn’t assume but Jaebum didn’t look like someone that would like to be fucked, it’s stupid he fucking knows that but he assumed anyways, but he wants that of course he wants that.

“I- are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure, I put a lot of thought on that and I trust you I want you to- I want you to this to me,” Jaebum’s voice sounds as sure as he says he is, but Youngjae is a little scared he has never done it but well everything he did with Jaebum was a first for him and the other boy knows it so he shouldn’t have high expectations.

“Have you ever…”

“No… I mean I haven’t, not with someone else but I- I did it to myself? Like a brought a dildo two years ago and I-,” Jaebum is blushing hard now, and Youngjae… well Youngjae is almost jumping him because hell if this is not making him hot all over, he doesn’t remember the tiredness he was feeling just five seconds ago. “I quite like it,”

Youngjae lets a moan escape and then he covers his mouth with the palm of his hand, eyes widening, “Sorry, I didn’t mean-”

“It’s that a yes then? You want to fuck me?” Youngjae can see the smugness all over Jaebum’s features, the older boy knows the effect he has on Youngjae he shouldn’t be playing him like that.

“Of course I want to, don’t be an idiot,” there is no heat to it though. They connect their lips in a heated kiss, just talking about fucking Jaebum made Youngjae incredible horny. He was fucking his tongue into Jaebum’s mouth, stroking his sides, trying to roll their groins together, trying to eliminate any distance between them. It was probably their dirtiest kiss, Youngjae was so into it he was becoming painfully hard in his boxers.

He rolled Jaebum into his back so he could be on top of him, he was linking at Jaebum’s throat slowly, Jaebum had a thing for it he knows it and he wasn’t disappointed, Youngjae got just what he wanted to get: Jaebum’s needy moans were music to him. The boy under him was moaning beautifully, hard cock brushing against Youngjae’s.

They’ve got hard incredibly fast, Jaebum seemed to be even more into it than Youngjae, he was already begging for Youngjae to fuck into him. “Be patient, okay? I- I want to try something too… I obviously I never did that but hum... can I eat you out?”

Jaebum’s groan was so loud into the silent room, “Yeah- yeah, would you do that to me, babe?”

Youngjae helped Jaebum so the boy could lie in his stomach, he took both of their briefs off, and placed a pillow under Jaebum so he could arch his back, presenting his ass to Youngjae. “So- so beautiful, baby boy,” Youngjae is breathless already, he squeezes both cheeks in his hands, it’s so beautiful the faint red it leaves on them even if they disappear just a second later.

The truth is that Youngjae doesn’t know how to do this, he read some articles online on _How to eat your man out_ and shit like that but just reading an article isn’t enough to make him an expert on asseating. He was a little nervous, so he parted Jaebum’s cheek slowly having a good look at Jaebum’s hole.

He wasn’t going to call it beautiful, Youngjae isn’t an idiot he knows no asshole can be pretty, but the image in front of his eyes is so damn beautiful. Jaebum is giving himself to him, just like that, he is trusting Youngjae to see him at such a vulnerable moment, he can’t believe how lucky he is. His hands are shaking so he squeezes Jaebum’s ass harder, it makes Jaebum moan louder. Youngjae almost tells him to be quieter, but he realizes that he doesn’t care about other people hearing him, and that he wants to hear Jaebum, he wants to make the other boy scream.

“I will- huh… tell me if I do something you don’t like or if you want me to stop just say it,” he is never the one saying these things, it feels different, good different.

Still holding Jaebum’s cheeks apart he dives in, he kisses at Jaebum hole and it clenches around nothing. Jaebum lets out a loud _argh_ and Youngjae takes it as an invitation, he kisses it again this time his mouth open, letting his tongue touch the pink skin. Jaebum is crying out, it’s all happening so fast, Jaebum is never this loud, definitely not this early into sex. Youngjae starts licking at it, he licks all around Jaebum’s rim, lapping at his crack, it’s weird at first but the noises his mouth makes against the wet skin and the noises Jaebum is making starts to get him hotter, it’s a nice sensation being on control like that, he feels as if he has the power to wreck Jaebum and that’s exactly what he is going to do.

He circles Jaebum’s entrance with the tip of his tongue proceeding to blow cool air over it, “Oh my god-” he pays no attention to Jaebum, he is begging and moaning Youngjae’s name for some time now, he spreads Jaebum wider letting his tongue slip inside, it makes Jaebum scream, _victory!_ Youngjae thinks, he is so smug right now, he would be smirking if it wasn’t for the fact that he is fucking his tongue into Jaebum’s hole like there's no tomorrow. There’s a lot of curses escaping Jaebum’s mouth, Youngjae thinks it’s Korean but he isn’t sure, it’s cute just how worked up Jaebum is right now.

Jaebum is body very relaxed, his hole just a little stretched from Youngjae’s mouth, he could easily take one finger just like that but Youngjae doesn’t want to hurt Jaebum, doesn’t him to feel any pain in their first time like that. He walks to his bag the get the lube, Jaebum’s weeping at the loss of contact, “I’m right here, baby boy, right here,” Youngjae calms him down putting his mouth back on Jaebum, it works, quickly his protests die and Youngjae plans on mocking him for being so pliant under his touch later.

Youngjae warms up the lube between his fingers and let a finger slide into Jaebum, he doesn’t take off his tongue, working both his finger and his mouth into Jaebum. He was so self conscious about this, he thought he would mess up, but Jaebum seems to be enjoying it, he is shoving his hips back into Youngjae face almost making the boy suffocate at times, he is so turned on it makes something expand on Youngjae’s chest. He loves it, making his boyfriend feel good about himself, this is the best part of the sex for Youngjae.

Soon he has four fingers inside Jaebum, stretching him slowly, being mindful to not hurt his boy, Jaebum has stopped begging he is just a moaning crying mess. “Do you think you are ready, baby boy? You think you can take me in already?” Jaebum nods but this is not what Youngjae wants, “Use your words, hyung.” Youngjae’s voice is very raspy, so different from the usual sweetness it has.

“I- yes, please,” Jaebum speaks so very slowly.

“Please, what?” Youngjae shouldn’t push it, he knows he shouldn’t but he is so hard, he wants to hear it.

“Please fuck me, fuck me-” Jaebum’s pleads are driving Youngjae insane, he is crying and he wants it so bad, Youngjae knows he does, but-

“Please fuck me… what?”

“Don’t- Youngjae, don’t-” Jaebum looks at him over his shoulder, face red and wet, he sobs.

“Say it,” Youngjae is demanding it now, he wants to hear it, “say it and I will fuck you good, I will fuck you so good, baby boy, my baby boy,” he finishes the sentence by kissing Jaebum’s shoulder blades, he lies over the boy letting his hard cock slide between his asscheeks, the tip poking at Jaebum’s stretched out hole.

“Pl- please… daddy, please-- fuck me, daddy,” Youngjae has to stop moving his hips or he will come before he can even enter Jaebum, hearing it come out from Jaebum’s mouth is so hot, his dick is throbbing between his legs.

“There you go, you did amazing, sweetheart. Now turn on your back for me, yeah? I want to see your beautiful face, baby boy, I want to look into your dark eyes while I fuck you,” Youngjae didn’t know he had in him to talk like that, he never talks like that, but he is so horny he can’t think, he just _wants_.

Jaebum lies in his back, Youngjae helps him with the pillow so his hips are still resting over it. Jaebum has his legs around Youngjae’s waist, the boy thinks it would be better if he spreads them or if he would bend them over but Jaebum is being very clingy, he wants to surround Youngjae, and Youngjae will do anything for his boy.

Before Youngjae can ask anything Jaebum is nodding his head at him, “Please just do it, I- I need it,” Youngjae waits for it, “I need it… daddy,”

Youngjae kisses Jaebum hard on the lips, he bites and he pulls, he wants to see these pretty lips red and swollen, he lines up his cock with Jaebum’s hole, letting just the head in. Jaebum cries in his mouth, “Sh, sh, it’s okay, baby boy, I got you,”

Youngjae is shameless, he puts both his hands on Jaebum hips, doesn’t stop kissing him and slowly enters him, Jaebum takes every inch he lets Youngjae kiss him hard and slide inside him moaning as if it is the best thing to happen to him.

Youngjae bottoms out and he waits for Jaebum to get used to the feeling of being filled up, of being full, it takes everything on him to not just thrust into the other boy. The heat is too much, he feels like he is being burned up by Jaebum’s insides, and he is so, so, so tight, Youngjae feels like crying too.

Jaebum doesn’t say anything he just rolls his own hips, Youngjae almost comes right at the moment, he has to stop Jaebum moviments holding tight on his hips, “Ah- ah, let me, let me do it, okay? We don’t want this to be over too soon,” he then places a kiss over Jaebum’s nose, and starts rolling his hips a little.

His movements are slow, he doesn’t move much just yet, letting their hips just grind together, he gives some tentative thrusts, letting his dick slide off of Jaebum just a little, he keeps it slow trying to find a good pace. Jaebum is too hot, too tight, he has a blissed out expression on his face even though there are still tears rolling down on it.

Youngjae can’t take it anymore, “I will fuck you now, okay baby boy?”

“Yes, daddy,” Jaebum reaches out so they can interlace their fingers together, Youngjae gives him a chaste kiss but them he is sitting up on his knees, he gives a hard thrust, Jaebum’s eyes roll on his skull instantly.

Youngjae won’t wait anymore, he starts thrusting hard and deep into Jaebum, his cock almost leaving Jaebum and then it is thrusting back into him deeply. He finds a good pace for them, using his free hands to hold on Jaebum’s hips, Jaebum starts moving his hips at the same pace as Youngjae, they’re sliding together, the noises they are making so dirty.

Youngjae lifts Jaebum’s hips so they are resting against his own, his ass not touching the pillow anymore so Youngjae can hit him deep, deeper. At the new sensation Jaebum is crying under him, “Right there, please- please, keep it right there--” and so Youngjae does, Jaebum is clenching involuntarily around him and he is just so close, he leans down to kiss Jaebum, they breathe hard on each other’s mouth.

“I need you to come for me, baby boy,” Youngjae says against his mouth, his movements becoming faster and harder, “I need my angel to be a good boy for daddy and to come for me,” he puts one of his hands on Jaebum’s hard dripping cock and just after three strokes followed by hard thrusts Jaebum is coming making a big mess between them.

He becomes unbelievably tight around Youngjae, his hole clenching so hard Youngjae thinks it will tear off his dick, but then just with a few more thrusts he is coming inside Jaebum, he gives a couple more of uncoordinated thrusts to ride it out, feeling his body go lax. He moans Jaebum’s name, almost yelling it, it’s too good, he never felt anything quite like it, he wants to feel it forever, it’s the best orgasm of his life he wants it to never end.

But it does, and when he is done he gets off of Jaebum slowly but still the boy hisses under him, “Sorry, I’ll get something to clean you up,” Youngjae comes back with a wet warm towel so he can clean Jaebum’s stomach and hole, there’s cum dripping from it, and it should disgust Youngjae but it doesn’t, it makes him proud.

Youngjae lies on top of Jaebum kissing at his forehead, his fringe is wet with sweat and tears but he doesn’t mind, Jaebum sighs deeply “You’ve got such a dirty mouth on you,” it makes Youngjae laugh loudly, it’s probably too late for them to be so noisy but he couldn’t care less.

“Did you- did you enjoy it?”

“Babe- it was amazing... We should do it more often,” Jaebum is hugging him close to his body, it’s warm in their room but it’s not too much it feels just right.

“Yeah… hyung? Do you- do you know I love you right?”

“Yes, babe. Where is this coming from?” Jaebum sounds sleepy, he is probably even more tired than Youngjae.

“I don’t know, was I too harsh with you? I just wanted to make you feel good, and-”

“You were not harsh, you were amazing and I loved it. Don’t overthink it… I love you, I’m glad we are here together, I’m glad we are together, you and I… I’m glad we found each other.”

"I love you so much," Youngjae kisses him again whispering that he loves Jaebum on his mouth again and again, then he hugs Jaebum to his chest until Jaebum falls asleep in his arms. Youngjae feels some tears wetting his eyes, he is so happy here with this boy, he is just so happy with what they get to live together. He is so happy that he gets to live anything at all with Jaebum.

After this trip they will go back home and they will go off to college in no time, they will live in a beautiful way too spacious for college boys apartment that Jaebum’s mom will buy for them, the cats will go with to Palo Alto with them and they will adopt a small white puppy that will become Youngjae’s entire life. They will fight over dumb stuff sometimes and Youngjae will cry himself to sleep a bunch of other times, he won’t speak to Jaebum for days and he will need his antidepressants pills again. They will travel to Disneyland and Youngjae will make Jaebum ride almost every ride there telling him it was a promise.

They will graduate and Youngjae will be a music teacher to little kids, they will move to Chicago and Jaebum will be a photographer there, he will take pictures of every moment of their lives. Their house will have pictures of them in just about every corner, the first picture Jaebum took of Youngjae on the reception night pinned to their fridge. Youngjae will ask Jaebum to marry him on Jaebum’s twenty fifth birthday and he will fuck Jaebum three times in a row after it till neither of them can walk.

They will get married in Las Vegas just the two of them there, they will adopt two more cats and a dog and they will promise to love each other and to never leave the other one alone. They will be very happy in their big apartment with their pets, they will live the life they always wanted and they will be together, the two of them will be alright because they will be together. For now Youngjae just kisses the back of Jaebum’s neck while tears drop from his eyes and he watches the night. They will be very happy, the two of them. They will make their own future.

Youngjae hugs Jaebum tighter.

 

**Author's Note:**

> -If you read it all thank you so much :) I wrote this story because I wanted to read something like that but it didn't exist, so I had to fix it. My main plan as to give Youngjae nice things, I hope I succeeded.  
> -This is also (very) self-indulgent, I believe every person deals with mental illness be it depression, anxiety or something else on their own, everyone experiences it in a different way. At the end Youngjae did get help and it made things easier to him, I wanted to give him a hopeful end.  
> -I know things get very cheesy on the finals part..... I'm sorry I tried fixing it a thousand times but I couldn't, it seemed in character and very fitting.  
> -Dorota is from gossip girl btw, that's why Youngjae lives in nyc, I took things I remembered from when I watched it but it was long time ago so I don't remember much...............  
> -Anyways I hope you enjoyed reading it!


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